Readers, I have suffered a great ordeal. This past Tuesday, while eating canned tuna fish, I inadvertently consumed what appeared to be tiny shards of broken glass. Upon inspection of the tuna, I found three more pieces.
By the way, the tuna can originally belonged to Tonkhero. Prior to his extended backpacking trip over the summer, he gave me his leftover canned foods and other provisions. Thanks, Tonk.
Anyway, I totally freaked out because I had ingested what I believed was glass. I asked my co-workers to inspect the pieces and they agreed the pieces were glass. So I frantically called my doctor. He ordered that I go to the emergency room. However, like usual, I sought a second opinion.
I have two doctor friends. I called the first one and got her voicemail. Fuck. I called the
second one who is a pediatrician and he assured me that I was fine. He said I'll just poop it out. He's seen worse. I asked, like what. Oh, I've treated kids who have eaten nails, razor blades... and on and on. My chest began to constrict. I interrupted him and asked once more, are you sure my insides aren't going to get cut up? Like my esophagus or my colon? Am I going to die of internal bleeding? He said no... and not to waste my time or money at the ER.
I also found
this on the web. So I began to feel better even though my chest felt constricted for the rest of the day. Pure White said the constrictions were anxiety pains. And he should know. But he told me not to worry... because "you're going to be rich!"
The next day, I called Customer Service of a very well-known grocery store that exclusively distributes the tuna. I shall preserve the store's anonymity (for now) while my claim is being processed. Anyway, the representative said I probably swallowed struvites. I was like, what the fuck are struvites? So she put me on hold to retrieve her corporate memo. When she returned, she read aloud all this scientific jargon about canning seafood, and how struvites are minerals that are left over from the canning process. For the most part, 99% of the struvites are removed. Lucky for me, I am the recipient of the 1% of struvites that weren't properly removed.
Again, I needed a second opinion. Thank god for the internet.
This is what I learned. But if you are not interested in reading it, struvites are crystallized tuna urine. They are also considered kidney stones. Basically, fish waste. Gee, I feel much better. But, it's unclear. It could be glass... or it could be piss. Who knows? The store offered to conduct an investigation.
Shortly soon after, I drafted and sent a letter to the customer service department and the general counsel of this very well-known store. That same day, Pure White announced our next Dumfries Cup Competition. This is the Dumfries Cup:
My co-workers and I vie for this cup. It proudly sits in the office of the winner for a few weeks. Then the winner has to announce a new competition. We bet on upcoming sport games or award shows or really anything. Once we had to name the Time Person of the Year... this is a story for another time because I was cheated. CHEATED! I will definately share this story in another post, but for now I apologize for digressing. So... Pure White shared my traumatic experience via email with the department and asked,
What, if anything, will XXX offer Rebecca as compensation for her ordeal? Closest answer wins the cup. What do you think?
Here is my letter to assist in your analysis:
Dear Ms. XXX:
On January 23, 2007, I consumed albacore white tuna from the XXX's brand solid white tuna fish in a can (with bar code number 00181990). While eating the tuna, I chewed on something crunchy and swallowed the substance. Upon inspection of the tuna, I discovered shards of glass on top of the tuna pieces. The roof of my mouth also began to bleed.
I am extremely disturbed that glass shards have injured my mouth and are currently in my body. I do not know what the adverse health consequences may be as a result. Because I ate the tuna and swallowed the glass during my lunch hour at the office, my workday was disrupted as I was forced to make phone calls to doctors and emergency rooms. Additionally, I am concerned for my cat who may have also consumed glass as I gave him some of the tainted tuna for his meal. This type of product irregularity is unsafe and unacceptable.
On January 24, 2007, I called Customer Service at XXX's Corporate Office. A representative named Lauren advised me to request an investigation by taking the can and the shards to the nearest XXX's store and completing a product complaint form. Please keep in mind that I have taken photographs of the can and the shards, and also kept one shard in my possession while an investigation is in process.
While we wait for the Quality Assurance Report, I still expect that you will remedy this situation at once. I am very distraught from this experience. Please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
DYY
Attorney at Law
Cc: XXX, General Counsel
Awright, fools. Pray that I at least get a gift certificate!
PS. Today, one of my co-workers left this on my desk and attached a slender piece of tape coming out from its bottom that spelled S-T-R-U-V-I-T-E.
Hilarious. I love it.
This gesture has helped reduce my pain and suffering... but not entirely.
Money and a gift certificate may help more, I think.
I was impressed by Pure White's vigor... and a bit fearful too. I had no idea how much he enjoyed rolling around in dirt.
Pure White said pulling weeds reminds him of his childhood when he played with dirt all the time. Now I understand why he often refers to himself as Dirty Jeff. This whole time I thought the moniker was figurative. Again, I stand corrected.
Sweet, huh? But planting only took two minutes to do. So here I am entertaining myself while I waited for Pure White/Dirty Jeff to complete his labor:
