Beware of FLOPS

How can I write about new animals without discussing FLOPS?!?!

A couple of weekends ago, I returned to Anza Borrengo to celebrate Tonkhero's birthday. The celebratory event turned out to be a weekend of discovery and learning, especially about the negative effects of global warming. Let me introduce you to a FLOP:


Don't even try. You ain't going to find any information about a FLOP in the world wide web. FLOPS are an entirely new species, a by-product of global warming actually. Since we were the first to discover FLOPS, we took the liberty to name them (thanks to the Lady Pun) as well as study them on behalf of the human race. Just remember you learned it here first.

What is it?
A FLOP is the retarded mutant cousin of a fruit fly, a little insect about 3mm long. While fruit flies live and prosper in moist areas, the FLOP lives in the arid dry heat of the desert. Because there is not enough water in the desert for FLOPS to survive, their total life expectancy last only 3 hours.

Life cycle of a Flop
The flop egg is about half a millimeter long. It takes about ten minutes after fertilization for the embryo to develop and hatch into a worm-like larva that flies! The larva eats and grows continuously, molting one minute, two minutes, and four minutes after hatching (first, second and third instars). After six minutes as a third instar larva, it molts one more time to form a pupa. Over the next hour, the body is completely remodeled to give the adult winged form, which then hatches from the pupal case and lives for 3 hours.

Research on Flops
There is none. Until now.

We discovered that flops are extremely complex organisms. Embryonic development is where most of the attention is concentrated, but there is also a great deal of interest in how various adult structures develop in the pupa, mostly focused on the development of the compound eye, but also on the wings, legs and other organs.

We observed:

(1) Since Flops have a short life expectancy, they love to get together and party. They roll deep and fly around like it's 1999.

(2) Flops are harmless and good-intentioned, but extremely annoying and relentless, and tend to occupy more space than appreciated by humans. But they can't really help it. There are like billions and billions of them. Kind of like Chinese people.

(3) Essentially, flops are all over the place -- your clothes, your food, all over your body. We felt anxious about the flops, especially the small larvae ones, flying into our noses and ears. I think they got stuck in my hair and chilled in the crevices of my body.

Below are some campers who tried to shield themselves away from the flops:

It was a futile attempt. You can't tell from the picture because my camera only has 3.2 mega pixels, but the flops were all over these ladies, and the lenses of my camera. Too bad the flops are so small we couldn't capture them in this photo. If you saw how many flops were flying around, you would be kind of disgusted.

(4) But interestingly, you don't get disgusted. Flops are clean insects that do not spread germs... yet. We predict that future generations of flops may carry deadly diseases as their immune systems get stronger, and they become far more physically and intellectually superior than humans.

DON'T LET FLOPS DOMINATE THE WORLD.

STOP GLOBAL WARMING NOW.

Killer mold?

IT STARTED with a series of leaks. Within a year, Melinda Ballard's 11,500-square-foot Texas dream home was quarantined; her 3-year-old son, Reese, was on daily medication to treat scarred, asthmatic lungs; her husband, Ron Allison, had lost his memory along with his job; and the family was living out of suitcases and locked in a seemingly endless battle with their insurance company. The problem? Household mold.

So I convinced Lady Pun and Tron that we must clean the house before Chinese new year. For good luck and shit. And, you know, it would be nice to live a clean house for a change. Anyway, we have a really disgusting mold problem in our bathroom. An army of mold covers the shower ceiling and it's steadily proliferating in the corners of the walls. It's really gnarly. But I had no idea how deadly mold can be. I mean, I heard about killer mold but I never thought I would one day be the proprietor of toxic mold and not even realize it. In fact, I always thought it was some sort of strange urban myth... until Blu-tooth forwarded a variety of links about, not only the extermination of mold, but also extremely scary cautionary tales about how mold kills.

Not that I know for certain whether MY mold is deadly. Stachybotrys atra (pronounced Stack-ee-bot-ris) is the most lethal mold apparently. I hope I don't have that.

Per the recommendation of multiple sites about the subject, I'm going to buy either X-14 or Commercial Zap Mildew or Lime Away. All these products are reportedly "not environmental". Suggested eco-friendly product is vinegar mixed with a little bit of baking soda.

But I'm not making a salad.

The Last King of Scotland

Of all the significant Oscar-related movies I've seen thus far, this one is the absolute best. It's GOOD. All I need to still see is Letters from Iwo Jima, Blood Diamond, Venus, and Volver, and I'm done. I refuse to see United 93, Pursuit of Happyness, and The Devil Wears Prada because, well, I don't believe in wasting time or money.

Hopefully I will get to see the ones above before the actual Oscars. If so, reviews and predictions forthcoming.

By the way, I am currently obsessed with Idi Amin... just like how I was with Marie Antoinette after watching Sophia Coppola's movie and Florence Ballard after watching Dreamgirls.

Did you know that during his rule, Amin gave himself the title His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshall Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular?

Amin was one bold motherfucker.

How to Talk to a Climate Skeptic

The other day I had inadvertently entered into a heated discussion about global warming with a friend of mine. He simply doesn't believe that global warming exist. He thinks someone is "pullling the wool over our eyes" in order to get more funding to do research about something that is myth. I believe he also used the word "propaganda." I responded with words like "right-wing" and "Christian fundamentalist," but I can't be sure. I was already too upset. I guess I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, I had heard of people who attempt to debunk global warming. I just didn't realize any of them were my friends. It's kind of like when another good friend of mine (who shall remain nameless for her safety and protection) told me she voted for Bush in 2004. That admission rocked my world. I was in shock for weeks. I still shudder when I think about it.

Anyway, Grist Magazine just released a very comprehensive guide on HOW TO TALK TO A CLIMATE SKEPTIC. It's very good. I plan to study this and advertently enter the debate with my friend again.

Because I eat funky food, like, all the time

Blu-tooth forwarded to me this GUIDE TO FUNKY FOOD IN YOUR KITCHEN. You should check it out as I found it very educational. Although I do not agree with all the suggestions, especially about refraining from eating pizza left on the counter overnight, I intend to follow the advice. After all, it's about a healthy 2007... though I would dare to argue that ingesting some bacteria actually keeps you healthy...

The corn industry is evil

Hey people... check it. My first post on BEHIND THE NEW WORLD ORDER. It's about the seedy underbelly of the corn industry.

Kudos on Judo

So my roommates and I were flipping channels when we came across a tournament that mix-matches competitors from different schools of martial arts.

We watched a kickboxer fight a judo wrestler. It was crazy madness! I have never seen a judo match before, and had no idea of the techniques involved in judo. Basically, you trap your competitor in a submission position and beat the shit out of him.

As a pacifist, I found it totally appalling... but strangely, I couldn't take my eyes off of the TV. The same thing happens when I watch boxing or a street fight. I can't help but to be disturbed and intrigued at the same time. Yes, I too am a victim of our hyper-violent society.

Lady Pun, a former kickboxer who actually competed in her day, and Tron, a super lightweight wrestler in high school, found the match exciting. And it was. But I don't know. It just felt awful, with the blood everywhere and all. I feel less guilt watching a pornographic movie.

The judo guy won, by the way. He was pretty awesome.

Represent, Part 2

Vida (Chinese Thai American), Guia (Filipina with a full-blooded Chinese grandfather and married to a Chinese man who inexplicably claims Taiwanese heritage) and DYY (Chinese American) proudly celebrated the People's Republic of China's National Day at a boba shop in Chinatown, Chicago.

So what if we initially didn't know why these cute plastic Chinese flags were proliferating around town. I just grabbed them because they were free. After all, that's the Chinese way. Represent!

What I later learned from Yip Yee and the handy internet:

The PRC's National Day was declared at three o'clock on October 1, 1949, in front of 300,000 people during a ceremony in Tiananmen Square. Chairman Mao declared the founding of the People's Republic and waved the first five-star PRC flag.

Don't we look like good, obedient Chinese comrades?
Chairman Mao would be proud.

Gotta represent at home too. After all, home is where the heart is. And, believe me, the Communist Party wants your heart (and your mind and body and soul and loyalty and first born, etc.)

The Good Wife's Guide

Good Housekeeping article -- May 13, 1955

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
• During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
• Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
• Be happy to see him.
• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
• Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
• Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
• Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
• A good wife always knows her place.

Mother Nature and Me

Photo by DYY

In celebration of our nation's labor, I traveled to the Pacific Northwest (the Olympic Peninsula, to be precise) for some camping and outdoor festivities. During this trip, DYY and Mother Nature were total BFFs.I followed the advice of this hand-made pillow we found in our room of this kitchy-cute but low-rent motel in Port Angeles where we stayed before venturing into the wilderness.

As a Student of Nature, I learned so much in only a few days. I can't even contain all that I have absorbed. I feel like a tree during photosynthesis... and below is my sugar.

DYY's Top Twelve List of New Things Taught by Mother Nature

(12) SEA OTTERS ARE SO COOL

Thanks to a free pamphet distributed by the Olympic National Park Service, I learned that sea otters are really fuckin cool. What struck me most wasn't that they are super useful in preserving kelp forests by feeding on sea urchins that graze on kelp, but that they can grow up to five feet tall and weigh up to 60-100 pounds! Dude, I'm 5'4'' and 100 something pounds. So, a sea otter is like a prepubescent tween, but (presumably) lacks the tweeny attitude that makes you want to slap tweens in the face.

Unfortunately, I did not see one. I was bummed. Because if I had, I would ask it to join our camp and chill out with us. I could see the sea otter and I sharing a joint under the stars. Don't they seem like they would get high if they could? Dude, there's a reason why they're always backfloating...

I also learned ways to help our new furry friends.

(11) TROLLS DO LIVE IN TREES

I woke this one up when I tried peeing in the hole. Oops.

(10) RAINFORESTS AREN'T AS SCARY AS THEY SEEM

Photos by Tonkhero & DYY

(9) SLUGS ARE AS UGLY AS THEY SEEM (BUT STILL NEAT)

I wanted to videotape the slug but it was going so slow and I got bored. It's really gross looking, by the way. It looks like a slivering turd. Speaking of turds...

(8) ANIMAL TRACKS AND SCATS ARE MORE INTERESTING THAN HUMAN TRACKS AND SCATS

Pictured above is Elk skat. Upon cursory examination, Tonkhero labeled it right away. God, he is so smart.

(7) CAMPING CAN BE EXHAUSTING

I had to take a nap once we found our campsite. It is incredible how exhausted I was. I think the local store in Port Angeles added some rufies in my tuna sandwich. And this whole time, I thought the town was known for meth... boy, was I wrong.

(6) THE LOGGING INDUSTRY IS FUCKED UP

As we drove through the mountains on route to the Peninsula, we saw first hand the ecological destruction of clearcuts and logging on the environment. It's quite alarming and real ugly, and apparently, horrible on the ecosystem. Tonkhero and I had a very long discussion about it during our car ride, and I was fortunate to apply what we discussed by personally witnessing the devastation and its accompanying propaganda by the logging industry. It's crazy. For more info, check this out.

(5) SMOKED SALMON AND OTHER SNACKS TASTE BETTER OUTDOORS

I don't quite understand this phenomenon, but it's true. I have a feeling that I would not have enjoyed Washington State's speciality of Smoked Wild Sockeye Salmon quite as much if I had consumed it in my living room. Tom's jalapeno chips, sugar glazed oatmeal cookies, Tasty Bites (packets of Indian entrees that you add boiling water and voila!), smores, peaches, goldfish crackers, etc., were all so so good. Tonkhero did a good job shopping for food. I couldn't stop eating. But then again, what else could we do? There's nothing else out there but you, Mother Nature, and preserved treats and goodies!

(4) PEEING OUTDOORS IS BETTER THAN PEEING AT THE PARK'S PUBLIC RESTROOMS

And forget about shitting! The public bathrooms were gross. That is why we had to travel to the closest town (Forks, WA) for me to do Number Two. After all the eating I described above, I really needed to go!

As a city girl, I find rural towns to be refreshing and charming at times... and you can find the best vintage earrings at some of their second-hand stores. But not at Forks. One could recognize immediately that Forks was a once-thriving logging community that the industry has abandoned due to its depressed economy. That's what Tonkhero said anyway.

One cool thing about Forks is this Chinese restaurant called Golden Gate Restaurant. Owned by Cantonese proprietors, I believe they gave me extra MSG in my chicken fried rice. Score! And the cutest eight-year old boy, very chubby and precocious, worked the register. Oh, how chinese child labor brings back sweet memories of my own childhood! I hope that boy grows up to do great things in Forks, WA.

(3) A CAMPFIRE IS KEY TO ANY CAMPING EXPERIENCE

We had a fire each night. The one pictured above was at the beach. I had collected enough wood that night to have a fire last for several hours. It was great fun, to see the fire illuminate the pitch black darkness and to be hypnotized by the wild flames. It was interesting to learn how to control the intensity of the flame by how you stack the wood, and to examine which wood would burn at what rate. That night, I developed a sincere appreciation for the types of wood we have available on this earth. Yeah, and I'm also a slight pyro...

(2) THE BEACH IS SURROUNDED BY ROCKS

This is your brain on drugs. SAY NO TO DRUGS. Thank you.

Instead of sand, the ocean crashed against rocks. Because there are so many rivers in the forests, a countless number of rocks are streamed from the rivers to the ocean via rainfall. There is not enough time for the rocks to naturally grind into sand because there are so many rocks and so much rainfall. Hence, a beach filled with cool clean rocks and pebbles. I've never seen anything like it. It was pretty awesome.

(1) CAMPING ON THE BEACH IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST!!

Photo by DYY

If you haven't tried it, you must. It's the tops!

Poor Pluto

The International Astronomical Union has voted to remove Pluto from the solar system--as a planet, that is. Now we're down from nine planets to eight. Pluto is now considered a "dwarf planet".

So what is the social significance? Anyone?

Still, let's have a moment of silence for Pluto. You will always be a planet in my eyes.

Going, going... gone

The trend toward gentrification has been proliferating in cities all around the world for many years, pitting the poor and the homeless against real estate developers, the police and upscale residents returning to "reclaim" the inner city. As long as there have been low-income neighborhoods, there have been those who want to remove them — and those who have, as a result, been left with no place to go. -- by Tom Slater, who wrote an excellent piece about the battle over Skid Row. He provides useful historical context on gentification in America.

The LA Times recently printed a special report, entitled A Community's Ethnic Tradition in Transition, about the gentrification occurring in LA Chinatown. The title should have been, The Rape of Chinatown (again and again and again). When are we going to learn?

Unfortunately, the article is untimely, as the gradual, yet speedy, process of gentrification had already begun in Chinatown about six years ago, when white artists discovered how cool (and cheap) it would be to have their studios and galleries there. Long ago, I remember walking through Chung King Road with Joe Mak in shock and disgust. Now it seems normal...

It appears to be shifting into overdrive. Loft conversions, mixed-use projects and luxury apartments are on the horizon. Director Quentin Tarantino has even bought an old theater where he plans to show Asian films.

The situation has created a culture clash. Some old-timers complain about the rowdy behavior of the new patrons. There are periodic flare-ups over art shows that some longtime Chinatown merchants consider too racy. Some elderly residents worry about being pushed out by gentrification.

Gentrification always begins with the artists. Yuppie scum arrives shortly thereafter. Before you know it, housing markets and retail prices skyrocket. Local residents can no longer live in neighborhoods that they and their families have lived in for generations... and they can't afford to live anywhere else in the city, because all the once "blighted" communities are "revitalizing", hence pushing them to the booty suburbs. They are displaced and forgotten, while rich white residents enjoy their new cool ethnic digs. This pretty much sums up the process. Gross, huh?

Downtown loft developers have caught the vibe. "Chinatown is one of those best-kept secrets," said Kate Bartolo, senior vice president for Kor Realty Group, which is planning a development.

Several years ago, Joe Mak and I, and a few others, acquired property in Chinatown to be used as a multi-purpose space for local residents to congregate (and reclaim their community!). My goal was to do it covertly, incognito-style and shit. We failed, unfortunately, because we were naive and wasted time trying to develop a collective, rather than a movement, while others made back-door deals with the landowners. It was a crushing experience, but it made me truly believe that ownership is power. Well, like He-Man says, knowing is half the battle!

Happy Asian Pacific American Hertiage Month!

You know, I've known the month of May to be APA Heritage Month for, like, forever. But how did it come about? I found some great historical background about our month to share with you, thanks to the fabulous omniscient world wide web.

May is Asian Pacific American (APA) Heritage Month—a celebration of Asians and Pacific Islanders in the United States. Much like Black History or Women's History celebrations, APA Heritage Month originated in a congressional bill.

In June 1977, Representatives Frank Horton of New York and Norman Y. Mineta of California introduced a House resolution that called upon the president to proclaim the first ten days of May as Asian/Pacific Heritage Week. The following month, senators Daniel Inouye and Spark Matsunaga introduced a similar bill in the Senate. Both were passed.

On October 5, 1978, President Jimmy Carter signed a Joint Resolution designating the annual celebration. In May 1990, the holiday was expanded further when President George H.W. Bush designated May to be Asian Pacific American Heritage Month. May was chosen to commemorate the immigration of the first Japanese to the United States on May 7, 1843, and to mark the anniversary of the completion of the transcontinental railroad on May 10, 1869. The majority of the workers who laid the tracks were Chinese immigrants.

This year's theme is "Freedom for All—A Nation We Call Our Own."

Learn how to bitch-slap, pimp-style

How to Bitch-Slap some punkass. Refer to the illustrations below:

And there you have it, bitches.

* BT -- thanks for the forward. DYY likes!

a public service announcement

Baby Nickel has yet to arrive! He's still chillin like a villian in Lady's Simzie's body. We're actually hoping he'll be born at the cusp of Pisces and Aries, so that he would a hard-working (that's the Pisces side) and ambitious (that's the Aries side) little man.

In the meantime, Liz hired a doula to assist her in her final days of pregnancy, and also with the delivery. Due to my extensive knowledge of the English language, I understood exactly what Liz meant when she told me she hired a little slave girl. Still, Liz suggested that I blog about doulas, for the rest of you to learn.

The word, "doula," comes from the Greek word for the most important female slave or servant in an ancient Greek household, the woman who probably helped the lady of the house through her childbearing. The word has come to refer to "a woman experienced in childbirth who provides continuous physical, emotional, and informational support to the mother before, during and just after childbirth."

A doula...

Recognizes birth as a key life experience that the mother will remember all her life.

Understands the physiology of birth and the emotional needs of a woman in labor.

Assists the woman and her partner in preparing for and carrying out their plans for the birth.

Stays by the side of the laboring woman throughout the entire labor.

Provides emotional support, physical comfort measures, an objective viewpoint and assistance to the woman in getting the information she needs to make good decisions.

Facilitates communication between the laboring woman, her partner and clinical careproviders.

Perceives her role as one who nutures and protects the woman's memory of her birth experience.

And, apparently, an expecting mother can get her very own slave girl for a flat fee of $395! Now that's a bargain! Call now, while supplies last! 1-800-DOU-LA-LA

China calls out US hypocrisy

China lashed out against U.S. criticism of its human rights record, saying racial discrimination and crime were still rife in the United States and prisoners were being abused at U.S.-run detention centers abroad.

The response came one day after the State Department said the Chinese government's human rights record "remained poor, and the government continued to commit numerous and serious abuses." The State Department study, published each year since 1977, offers a comprehensive analysis of all countries in the world except the United States.

It is "an act that fully exposes its hypocrisy and double standard on human rights issues," said a Chinese report on human rights violations committed in the US, which drew mostly from stories and statistics in the American press.

The Chinese report included:

• private gun ownership in America, saying the "unchecked spread of guns has caused incessant murders."

• secret wire taps and surveillance on American citizens under the Patriot Act.

• the poverty rate and the problem of homelessness.

"We urge the U.S. government to look squarely at its own human rights problems, reflect what it has done in the human rights field and take concrete measures to improve its own human rights status."

We're not losing our voices!

It tickled my fancy today to discover that yesterday's article in the LA Times about the "dying" dialect of Cantonese made it to the MOST EMAILED STORIES section. It's no wonder why. Not only did I forward the link to all my Canto homies in LA (plus BF who needs to learn more about my people) but everyone and their grandmas forwarded the link to me! I felt oddly proud. I did kinda hope that the article would make the section. But I can't tell if I'm proud due to the mass exposure and interest of the article (and, therefore, my people) or that my friends read the paper...

The mass forwards triggered several interesting conversations, mostly about the reverie of our tongue. Like how Cantonese is so vibrant and colorful. Edgy. How no other language or dialect has the variety of slang we have. And thanks to the article, my long-standing belief that Mandarin is a dialect closer to royalty is FALSE. Mandarin was simplified by the Communist government for the proletariat class, which is nice and sweet. Very egalitarian. However, Cantonese is a far superior dialect. Sorry.

As a courtesy, Joe Mak emailed us words of wisdom and knowledge to share with our kin and future generations to ensure that we never, ever lose our voices:

Diu Lei Lo Mo (fuck your mother)
Lei Lo Mo Hi (your mother's pussy)
Lo Mo Chow Hi (mother's stinky pussy)
Diu Gow Chow Hi (fucking stinking pussy)
Hui Sei A Lei (go and die)
Lei Go Lun Yeung (your dick face)
Yak See Lun Yeung (eat shit dick face)