Friday Night Lights

Hong Kong is in Paris. So I'm at home watching prime-time television on a Friday night. I don't own cable. Only a digital converter box, subsidized by the federal government. In fact, wasn't this program an initiative of the W. Bush administration? That might explain why my converter box sucks ass. I call it, "government cheese".

When I do watch regular TV, I mostly watch programs on NBC, FOX or KCET/PBS. Occasionally the CW during Top Model cycles. Tonight I'm watching ABC which, in my opinion, sucks ass also. It is Disney, after all. Yet I'm riveted by tonight's line-up. First I watched WIFE SWAP. Dude, for those of you who watch WIFE SWAP... how trippy. As you can glean from the title, the wives swap homes and families. The twist, however, is in the rules. During the first half of the show, the wife/mother has to live by the family's rules. In the second half, the family must live by the wife/mother's rules. I know it doesn't sound ingenious, but watching WIFE SWAP emoted very strong feelings in me. I felt uncomfortable the entire time, yet couldn't stop watching. It kind of felt like watching a gang bang.

Next I watched WHAT WOULD YOU DO? hosted by John Quinones. Man, I would love his job. I love that Candid Camera shit. I'm all about that, yo. The concept is what I personally call "human/social experiments" or simply "social science"... with a hidden video camera near-by. Yes, caught on tape. But not to humiliate people, I find that rude. It's about furthering the understanding of our culture and communities through the study of social psychology, and coupled with practical, real-world application in a natural but somewhat controlled setting so to evoke an uninhibited response. If you can't tell, I'm totally serious.

Tonight's show was excellent. It's like WHAT WOULD YOU DO if an attractive drunk woman asks you to breathe into her breathalyzer so her car would start? WHAT WOULD YOU if you witness a soccer coach overwork and berate a dehydrated and soon-to-collapse wimpy red-headed student in the park? WHAT WOULD YOU DO if you're in a pharmacy and overhear a fragile old lady say she's unable to pay for her diabetes medicine? WHAT WOULD YOU DO if you see a restaurant manager sexually harass a waitress? What if the waitress dressed like a slut? Yeah, they changed up the circumstances too. I LOVE that shit.

Pink Eye = WMDs

Yes, it is true. I have been slowly assembling an army of cybersoldiers in preparation for robot uprisings and armageddon in general. However, now that I have been demobilized by pink eye, I now believe I should assemble a guerrilla group of bio-terrorist combatants also. I would recruit my two nephews, who transferred the highly contagious virus to me by coughing indiscriminately in my food and my face, all the while staying cute and lovable, disarming me and my better judgment to maintain some distance away from their bio toxic germs. I can't believe I allowed those little fuckers to get me.

Since I am not as cute and lovable as my nephews, my friends are not as disarmed and have maintained their better judgment. Even though I promised not to cough into anyone's food or face, a couple of us made the right decision for me to leave a baby shower early and quarantine myself so I don't spread the infectious disease to the expecting mother and unborn child. In fact, there was another pregnant friend on the scene so I finally left because I couldn't bear the responsibility of something later going terribly wrong. It's not like you can deny spreading pink eye at a party when you're the only one with discharge oozing out of your eye sockets. Thank god I had my sunglasses on. Although no one could tell, I started feeling paranoid. I was reminded of a Bloodhound Gang episode (from 321 Contact) about pink eye. The story was about this school cafeteria employee who had contracted pink eye, yet neglected to wash her hands before she prepared sandwiches, causing a number of teenagers to become ill. She wore sunglasses the whole time to cover her itchy, irritated red eye. But the Bloodhound Gang found her habit of wearing sunglasses indoors, in a dark cafeteria, to be a bit odd. I don't remember exactly how the Bloodhound Gang busted her, but I do remember the moral of the story is to wash your hands frequently... and to never contract pink eye.

Twenty-five years later after watching such an important and informative show, it is clear I have not learned from my childhood lessons. Or perhaps bio-terrorists (ie. children) are far more powerful and deadlier than they were when I was growing up? All I know is that none of my peers growing up ever had pink eye or lice or mono or peanut allergies. But now I have one of the four. OMG. I need to assemble a guerrilla army as soon as possible! In the meantime, I will be an army of one and follow what this guy does.

I don't even care that msnbc reported cnn's mischaracterization of this. I still believe it.

Welcome home!

Dude. Finally. I have internet again.

It's perfect timing now that the elections have concluded. I was concerned I would no longer have anything to watch on my analog television. I felt this same anxiety when the Olympics ended. Fortunately, I have discovered KCET. Charlie Rose is sick. And Tavis Smiley seems kind. And I've been watching this documentary series about US presidents. I love that shit. So far, I've been able to catch Regan, LBJ and Nixon. It's been fascinating. I can't wait to see who will be next.

But you know, sometimes when the shows on KCET become really local-cable-access-ish, I turn to the internet. I turn to youtube.

And while searching for past Keith Olbermann shows, I stumble upon one of his old episodes commenting on Britney Spear's last performance on MTV's video music awards. Wow. Why does that feel so long ago? It seemed so relevant then (at least to me) but now I do feel a difference. Instead of disengaging and distracting myself with indulgences and superficialities, I feel sincerely engaged and hopeful for the first time in a long time. But enough talk about hope and change. Let's talk about Britney.

So I re-watched her performance. And you know what? I think it was awesome. To be honest, I sort of liked it then, but was more consumed with my theory that she was on Lexipro at the time.

It would have been better if she purposely mocked MTV, but in a way, performing on lexipro and all, she kind of did. Even though Britney was upset and depressed about it afterwards, she performed like she didn't give a shit. A big middle finger to MTV and all of America who relished in both her rise and demise. I like it. It's just Britney, bitch.

Ching Chonging Pandas

So it's common knowledge that the "best" commercials are premiered during the Superbowl. I watched some, they were okay. I missed this one though. Too bad, it could have been my all time favorite... I mean, who doesn't like pandas with thick Chinese accents? I wish I had a thick Chinese accent. To my disappointment, it was poorly received by viewers and the sponsor for the commercial apologized and promised to stop running them.

Touch me to watch video.

Super Fat Tuesday

Although I would have been more excited if Obama won California (with only 30% of California precincts reporting at the moment, I still have faith that the tides may turn by morning...), I still thoroughly enjoyed my first ever Super (and) Fat Tuesday.

I made jambalaya for the first time ever:

I made it from scratch and used the crock pot Blu-tooth gave me for my birthday last year. It's my first time ever using a crock pot. It was surprisingly fun and easy. Yeah, I approve. And, yes, that's corn.

Here's an artsy photo of my jambalaya:


For my efforts, DV8 brought me mardi gras beads. I didn't even have to show my tits (though I felt compelled to, due to the holiday spirit).

This one is my favorite:


The festivities continued with election results on TV. We switched between Katie Couric on CBS and Brian Williams on NBC. Both sucked. But what can you do when you only have Channels 2 & 4?

I found the elections to be quite exciting, even the Republican race was fascinating... until Obama lost California. All of a sudden my Tuesday didn't feel as super or as fat. But I remain hopeful.

Another baby boom

(Dude, you can find the strangest pictures on the internet...)

So I have been watching local news because I do not have cable and, as a result, only am able to pick up two fuzzy channels (CBS & NBC) through the antenna (old school, baby!). Anyway, local news in Los Angeles is really, really stupid and is likely dumbing down Angelenos... but I did learn that the United States is now experiencing another baby boom, the first in 45 years! And the US is the only industrialized country to experience such an increase... hmm, could it be that the premise behind the movie, Idiocracy, could be coming true? Better get use to drinking electolytes then... it's what we crave!

All joking aside, I wonder if any of these procreators considered the ecological and fiscal impact of another baby boom? I'm not objecting to folks having babies, but I just wonder if any of this is a consideration.

It's interesting when people say that having children is the most self-less act a person can do... You know, I'm just not so sure of that....

"Humanity must drastically scale down its industrial activities on Earth, change its consumption lifestyles, stabilize and then reduce the size of the human population by humane means, and protect and restore wild ecosystems and the remaining wildlife on the planet." -- The Wildlands Project

A Lowenbrau Moment

Balcony view from Parks BBQ on Vermont
Photo by Mr. T

During a toast for Jane's birthday, I felt a fleeting moment of:

Here's to Good Friends..
Tonight is Kind of Special...

But I totally forgot the rest of the lyrics. I knew it was a beer commercial though. In fact, I pictured a group of teenagers drinking this mysterious beverage by the fire at a ski lodge. And two lumberjacks at a random hillbilly bar, clicking their beer bottles to toast their secret love for one another. Do you remember? Or am I making this up? I can't be sure. Anyway, it was Calvin who said "Lowenbrau" after I recited the first two lines.

Calvin was like, Have you ever tasted Lowenbrau? I was like, No.

So I found the rest of the lyrics on rockin' Wiki.

In the 1970s and 1980s in the United States, Löwenbräu was famous for its jingle, sung by Arthur Prysock:

Here's to good friends,

Tonight is kind of special.

The beer we'll pour

must say something more, somehow.

So tonight (tonight),

Tonight,

Let it be Lowenbrau (let it be Lowenbrau).

It's been so long.

Hey, I'm glad to see ya.

Raise your glass.

Here's to health and happiness.

So tonight (tonight),

Let it be all the best.

My Wednesday nights are free again!

I just finished watching the latest season of America's Next Top Model. It was so, so delightful.

However, I am a little disappointed at the Season Finale, which I initially thought would be 2 hours long. They announced JASLENE as the winner at the end of the first hour and then One Tree Hill started. Yeah, I felt a little jipped. Regardless, it was a good series.

Jaslene is a good pick. I am happy for her. She's the first ever Latina Top Model. And she's from Chicago. But, honestly, I was rooting for the Russian girl. I don't know what it is... there's something about Natasha that I really like. I would have reveled in her win more.

Alas, Tyra and her crew made their decision. Fortunately I trust Tyra and her crew to choose America's Next Top Model. They take their roles as judges very, very seriously.

I too take Top Model very seriously. I missed only one episode this season. And I made that episode up by watching it on-line at the official CW website. I have also searched for past episodes on youtube. During one of my searches, I found this gem:

Before there was Borat...

There was MAHIR CAGRI! Check out his fabulous website. Thanks to Lady Pun for the good find.

I also just watched the entire first season of DA ALI G SHOW... waiting impatiently for the second season to arrive via Netflicks. His show is so much better than his movies.

Sacha Cohen is my newest crush. I love him!!

Kudos on Judo

So my roommates and I were flipping channels when we came across a tournament that mix-matches competitors from different schools of martial arts.

We watched a kickboxer fight a judo wrestler. It was crazy madness! I have never seen a judo match before, and had no idea of the techniques involved in judo. Basically, you trap your competitor in a submission position and beat the shit out of him.

As a pacifist, I found it totally appalling... but strangely, I couldn't take my eyes off of the TV. The same thing happens when I watch boxing or a street fight. I can't help but to be disturbed and intrigued at the same time. Yes, I too am a victim of our hyper-violent society.

Lady Pun, a former kickboxer who actually competed in her day, and Tron, a super lightweight wrestler in high school, found the match exciting. And it was. But I don't know. It just felt awful, with the blood everywhere and all. I feel less guilt watching a pornographic movie.

The judo guy won, by the way. He was pretty awesome.

I missed the first 1/2 of racist Survivor

... so I have yet to develop a sociological analysis of the most controversial show of the year! And I will assume that a group of bickering, backstabbing Latinos (that's all I saw during the 2nd half of the show) does not reflect the scope and importance of the show.

Here is an analysis from columnist Joel Stein. He cracks me up... and he's rooting for the Asian team. WERD.

Finally, Some Prime-Time Racism

Battle of the races on 'Survivor' places discussion of stereotypes where it belongs -- in the mainstream. -- September 19, 2006

I'VE NEVER BEEN interested in "Survivor," but the new, racist "Survivor" — that, I was psyched about. If "Battle of the Network Stars" made good TV, weekly competitions between poorly fed "tribes" of African Americans, whites, Asians and Latinos were going to be awesome. So, last Thursday night, I got some brie and water crackers, put on a J. Crew sweater vest and settled down on the settee to root for whitey.

None of my white friends wanted to watch with me because — although it was fine for the other races — they felt it was unbecoming for Caucasian Americans to root for their own kind. I found that condescending. Cheering for the whites is no different from rooting for my college football team, for U.S. Olympic teams or for men to finish before women in porn scenes. The latter, unlike the men's Olympic basketball team, never let me down.

But it turns out lots of people got freaked out about this. As soon as CBS announced this season's theme, leaders of the New York City Council demanded that the network abandon the idea, and GM, Coca-Cola, Campbell Soup, Johnson & Johnson and Febreze ended their advertising on the series. You know you've stumbled into a huge pile of it when even Febreze walks away.

No one got upset in past seasons when the show used gender and age to divide people. But we've somehow decided that racial issues can only be discussed in books, college lectures, NPR and other mediums that are so boring people can't get riled up. Songs by Coldplay are probably largely about race.

Unlike 30 years ago, when "All in the Family" and "Chico and the Man" made cutting jokes about race, we've set so many rules about talking about skin color that we rarely do it at all. "Survivor: Cook Islands" isn't trivializing race — it's just not avoiding it like the rest of us. If there really were a group of people stranded on a deserted island, this is exactly how things would go down. Just like in jail.

So I was pumped for some serious racial tension as soon as the contestants pulled up to the island. The giant old ship conjured different images depending on which team was on camera: a slave ship, a makeshift raft from the Dominican Republic, a boat full of Vietnamese or an afternoon sailing cruise to Nantucket. My team was going to rock.

Not only, to my delight, was my team the best looking, but the whiteys seemed to have a really fun attitude, joking and bonding and having a great time. A few minutes into the show, however — long before any contests or voting anyone off — something weird started to happen. I started to turn on my own people.

These white people were a little too preppy, too frat-boy, too happy with themselves. While other teams were fighting over hut building, the white folks were making toasts to each other over little bits of coconut milk and lying down to sleep half-naked and spooning en masse, thrilled with their total super awesomeness. It turns out I kind of hate white people.

The black team wasn't doing it for me either, with its sexism, infighting and talk about representing and feeling each other's vibes. They loved themselves almost as much as white people do.

The Latinos were kind of likable and hardworking if quiet, but those Asians — they were terrific. In fact, better yet, they were like me. They were laid-back and self-effacing. There was a journalist, a lawyer, a management consultant — just like my friends. One of them even went to Stanford four years after I did. And they won the first contest handily, even though their chicken was stolen by the white people. White people who probably didn't even eat the feet or eyeballs.

I don't know if my feelings are because of the fact that this is a particularly nice group of Asians, or if Jews are culturally more akin to Asians than other white people, or because Asians are a completely superior race destined to rule the planet. All I know is that the show is allowing me to make these kinds of racist comments in public.

And I think that's good. Not just because, as CBS argues, getting to know these contestants will help dispel stereotypes. It also will allow us to see which stereotypes are true and discuss which differences make us uncomfortable. Maybe if we admit that race is a factor — just like gender and age — we'll be a little more honest with each other. And maybe we'll also realize that, if we're going to survive, we really need to band together against the yellow people.

Who says race doesn't matter?

CBS has announced that the castaways from this fall's Survivor: Cook Islands will -- in what the show's producer and host both acknowledge to be a controversial move -- initially be organized into four tribes divided along ethnic lines: African-American, Asian-American, Hispanic and Caucasian.

Damn. I think that is all I have to say. Damn.

In silent protest (as I do not watch Survivor, although I might this season), I refuse to cheer for any specific racial team. Still, let's review the cast mates on the Asian American team, shall we? They better represent...

• Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, a 42-year-old nail salon manager from Christianburg, VA

You go, Bui! I like the untamed hair. It gives him a competitive edge cuz he looks all psycho and barbaric and shit.

• Jenny Guzon-Bae, a 36-year-old real estate agent who currently resides in Lake Forest, IL and is originally from Melrose Park, IL

Illinois in da house! I'll give her some love even though she's from the booty suburbs of Chicago.

• Yul Kwon, a 31-year-old management consultant who currently resides in San Mateo, CA and is originally from Flushing, NY

This is good. Koreans are wild. He will be the muscle.

• Becky Lee, a 28-year-old attorney who currently resides in Washington, DC and is originally from Pittsburgh, PA

Becky Lee? Like Becca Yee? And she's an attorney too... except I would never strike a pose like that. Ewww.

• Brad Virata, a 29-year-old fashion director who currently resides in Los Angeles, CA and is originally from Seattle, WA

Fucken pretty boy. You just better not cry and embarrass your race.

I wish I still had HBO

Spike Lee's documentary, "When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts", debuts tonight from 9 to 11 on HBO. It's a four-part, four-hour documentary about Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath on the people of New Orleans.

Do the right thing and watch if you can! Let me know how it is... single tear on cheek.

Justice

Former Enron Corp. chiefs Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted today of conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud in one of the biggest business scandals in U.S. history.

In light of current affairs, this was a scary trial. I feared that these crooks would get exculpated. Hooray that they're going DOWN!

Also, Alabama's Taylor Hicks was crowned the fifth "American Idol"

I haven't followed American Idol, but I knew Hicks was the underdog, especially when people repeated how old he was (with disgust, I might add). I correctly suspected that he's much younger than he looks... he's 29 years old! Ageism is a bitch.

More than 63 million votes were cast, "more than any president in the history of our country has received," Ryan Seacrest said.

That's really pathetic... but hooray to Hicks!

This is dedicated to The Red Ant

... and all the baby crocodiles that have lived another day without a racoon eating them alive.

Yes, folks, this is a warning from The Red Ant not to watch The Discovery Channel when you are high or emotionally unstable...

Addendum to Previous Post

The internet world is in a frenzy over Pumpkin spitting on New York. Here's a comment from Ashlee... I like how she writes.

I think that NewYork is a crazy psycho bitch. Yeah pumpkin was wrong for spittin' in her face but a real bitch like me would've beat that bitch ass for spittin in my face. Spittin' is the worse thing you can do to somebody and that was just over board. That's basically saying that the person just disgust you. I wouldn't care about gettin' kicked off tha show because that was just disrespectful. Pumpkin was a lame for spittin' and runnin too. Ain't none of them bitches bout that real shit so I don't give props to nan one of them. They whack. I just put it like this you ain't considered a bad bitch unless you handle yo business!!! It don't matter what color you are cause if you just bout it then you bout whateva. Flav need to choose hoopz cause she a real ass female and she don't act all sidity and shit. Yeah she is a pretty woman and all but she ain't full of herself like NewYork and she just a cool person.

"Your time is up!"

Last week when my dad visited, I slept on the couch in the living room while he slept in my room. Naturally I turned on the TV and surfed channels, particularly MTV, VH1 and E! Entertainment. Now I know why I don't watch TV anymore...

Flavor of Love, Public Enemy's Flavor Flav's latest reality show, has twenty single women move into a mansion and vie for his affection. Flavor Flav dates all of the women, weeds out the ones who are only after his fame and fortune...and in the end chooses his one true love.

It is really a gross show. Flavor Flav is fuckin old and ugly, while the women seem so desperate and pathetic.

The last episode I saw was hilarious though. Pumpkin, a trashy white woman, spits in the face of New York, a black woman obsessed with Flav. New York grabs the back of Pumpkin's head and tosses her against the camera.

I guess you have to watch to really appreciate the greatness. It's some riveting TV.

I'm Rick James, Bitch!

This mutherfucker is back! Hell yeah. But not on Comedy Central. He has a movie out next month, and was featured in the "Inside the Actor's Studio" the other day. Welcome back, dude. I missed you so so much.

I missed music's greatest night because...

I was busy getting my Eat On!

Photo by DYY
Harkim's mom, who is visiting from Texas, hooked it up! She made her special wontons and arranged them assembly style -- noodles, soup, wontons, bbq pork, fried pork intestines (yum!), greens, marinated jellyfish and taro. Bless Harkim's mommy's heart (and culinary skills).

Photo by DYY
Thanks to Midnight Blossom (MB) and his ladies for hosting. Also thanks to DBB (Dead Boy in a Bun), FF (Fair Fan), and LLD (Lady Long Drag) for the smokes and the laughs... Jane, we'll get you an acronym soon!

Despite missing the Grammy's, I made sure to check up on my favorite musicians.

Here's a picture of Gavin and pregnant Gwen, juxtaposed with Big G and pregnant Simzie, who ironically had a dream before we went to the Gwen Stefani concert at the Hollywood Bowl in October that Gwen and her were pregnant together... and it turns out, they were! I'm convinced that pregnant women are psychic. I would love to be psychic, not pregnant, one day.

I haven't been a Madonna fan since the '80s, but she looks good! And she's like fifty now, right? She looks better than most people in their twenty's so good for her. It makes me want to either do yoga or Kabbalah... whichever is less boring. But since I have a South Asian soul, and am dating a 1/2 Jewish boy, maybe I don't need to. I am probably equipped to teach a few yoga or Kabbalah classes!