Perhaps my last poem ever

Dedicated to Joe Mak for his birthday on July 14th.

J oe is my BFF ("Brotha Fo Fun")
O nly his
E SL

M akes me laugh
A loud and proud (usually it's aloud and in private)
K ikikikikiki (female fob giggles)

I apologize. I know no one else is going to understand this posting, except Joe Mak. This is what the general populace describes as "an inside joke". And it is an inside joke, indeed! Kikikikiki!

It's Chuck E Cheese, Bitch

Wicked picture, huh?

For my nephew's birthday, I treated him to an afternoon of Chuck E. Cheese.

Dude, I haven't been to a Chuck E Cheese in 20 years. I forgot how much fun it is. There is definitely something more appealing about hanging with white trash and immigrant kids than going to the some expensive children's museum that serves organic peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and soy milk for $20. The parents and children are grossly smug. Like you want to slap them in the face. But at ChuckECheese, it's very humble, affordable and fun... and I'm like the richest person there! I felt like we had limitless tokens, a sense of comfort and satisfaction that I have never felt before. I grew up frequenting CEC with about $3 max. It was always spent very quickly.

For lunch we purchased a small cheese pizza, an all-you-can-eat salad plate, milk and beer. I was the only one at ChuckECheese consuming beer, by the way. Before I purchased it, I had to agree to all these stringent rules, like not leave my beer on the table, take it everywhere with you, do not feed to children, etc. So when my nephew needed to do number 2 in bathroom, I brought the beer into stall, as I am a law-abiding citizen. It wasn't the best combination with bud light, but better than without!

After lunch, we played ski ball. I love that shit. In fact, we struck jackpot! The aisle I was playing on starting spewing tickets continuously and non-stop. I thought it was going to go on forever and I debated whether I should walk away... but I couldn't. I started looking around hoping no one was watching me. Everyone, however, was staring with envious eyes. I collected about 150 tickets before it finally stopped. We ran to our booth and counted the tickets immediately. My nephew and I counted together. When we reached past 100 or so, I felt giddy and light-headed.

We won 354 tickets total. We exchanged our tickets for a top, a mini soccer ball and a ring. Yeah, I know. It seems like a lot of effort for some cheap mini plastic toys. They're probably toxic too.

Here's a question: Why do parents allow their children to steal tickets? As my tickets spewed out of that defective but lovely machine and coiled along the ground, toddlers would come from no where and try to steal my tickets! I'm like, hey, those are mine! Then they look at me with fear and run away. Parents stand by silent. I'm like, dude, you need to control your kids. They should thank me for teaching their fucken children for thieves not to disobey the law.

Here's another question: Do you think parents realize that ChuckE is a rat? And his friends are street animals, including a cracked-out bird and a dingy mutt, both likely infested with rabies? I felt like, dude, whoever thought of this theme is laughing his/her way to the bank!

Other games we played: air hockey and fuze ball with hockey players (is that table hockey then?). My nephew was addicted and couldn't stop playing. I was surprised and secretly delighted how naturally adept he was with such games. I kind of feel like air hockey and fuze ball are for older kids, not for my five year old nephew. But he obviously is far more superior in adoitness than other children his age and beyond. I'm not sure why, but I like it.

A Lowenbrau Moment

Balcony view from Parks BBQ on Vermont
Photo by Mr. T

During a toast for Jane's birthday, I felt a fleeting moment of:

Here's to Good Friends..
Tonight is Kind of Special...

But I totally forgot the rest of the lyrics. I knew it was a beer commercial though. In fact, I pictured a group of teenagers drinking this mysterious beverage by the fire at a ski lodge. And two lumberjacks at a random hillbilly bar, clicking their beer bottles to toast their secret love for one another. Do you remember? Or am I making this up? I can't be sure. Anyway, it was Calvin who said "Lowenbrau" after I recited the first two lines.

Calvin was like, Have you ever tasted Lowenbrau? I was like, No.

So I found the rest of the lyrics on rockin' Wiki.

In the 1970s and 1980s in the United States, Löwenbräu was famous for its jingle, sung by Arthur Prysock:

Here's to good friends,

Tonight is kind of special.

The beer we'll pour

must say something more, somehow.

So tonight (tonight),

Tonight,

Let it be Lowenbrau (let it be Lowenbrau).

It's been so long.

Hey, I'm glad to see ya.

Raise your glass.

Here's to health and happiness.

So tonight (tonight),

Let it be all the best.

Just want to share a pretty picture of the girls

This picture was taken last summer, almost exactly one year ago, circa 2006. We were out for Min's birthday... and she has another crazy one coming up! We need to remember to take another group picture, in the exact same order if possible.

Beware of FLOPS

How can I write about new animals without discussing FLOPS?!?!

A couple of weekends ago, I returned to Anza Borrengo to celebrate Tonkhero's birthday. The celebratory event turned out to be a weekend of discovery and learning, especially about the negative effects of global warming. Let me introduce you to a FLOP:


Don't even try. You ain't going to find any information about a FLOP in the world wide web. FLOPS are an entirely new species, a by-product of global warming actually. Since we were the first to discover FLOPS, we took the liberty to name them (thanks to the Lady Pun) as well as study them on behalf of the human race. Just remember you learned it here first.

What is it?
A FLOP is the retarded mutant cousin of a fruit fly, a little insect about 3mm long. While fruit flies live and prosper in moist areas, the FLOP lives in the arid dry heat of the desert. Because there is not enough water in the desert for FLOPS to survive, their total life expectancy last only 3 hours.

Life cycle of a Flop
The flop egg is about half a millimeter long. It takes about ten minutes after fertilization for the embryo to develop and hatch into a worm-like larva that flies! The larva eats and grows continuously, molting one minute, two minutes, and four minutes after hatching (first, second and third instars). After six minutes as a third instar larva, it molts one more time to form a pupa. Over the next hour, the body is completely remodeled to give the adult winged form, which then hatches from the pupal case and lives for 3 hours.

Research on Flops
There is none. Until now.

We discovered that flops are extremely complex organisms. Embryonic development is where most of the attention is concentrated, but there is also a great deal of interest in how various adult structures develop in the pupa, mostly focused on the development of the compound eye, but also on the wings, legs and other organs.

We observed:

(1) Since Flops have a short life expectancy, they love to get together and party. They roll deep and fly around like it's 1999.

(2) Flops are harmless and good-intentioned, but extremely annoying and relentless, and tend to occupy more space than appreciated by humans. But they can't really help it. There are like billions and billions of them. Kind of like Chinese people.

(3) Essentially, flops are all over the place -- your clothes, your food, all over your body. We felt anxious about the flops, especially the small larvae ones, flying into our noses and ears. I think they got stuck in my hair and chilled in the crevices of my body.

Below are some campers who tried to shield themselves away from the flops:

It was a futile attempt. You can't tell from the picture because my camera only has 3.2 mega pixels, but the flops were all over these ladies, and the lenses of my camera. Too bad the flops are so small we couldn't capture them in this photo. If you saw how many flops were flying around, you would be kind of disgusted.

(4) But interestingly, you don't get disgusted. Flops are clean insects that do not spread germs... yet. We predict that future generations of flops may carry deadly diseases as their immune systems get stronger, and they become far more physically and intellectually superior than humans.

DON'T LET FLOPS DOMINATE THE WORLD.

STOP GLOBAL WARMING NOW.

Sometimes simple is sweeter

Christopher totally scored on his birthday gifts. He received clothes, games and tons of toys. All of the board games were boring (since he's still four) but the toys were very flashy. I was jealous. For example, he received:

• battery-powered "Shake N Go" race cars and delux race tracks with flashing lights and loud obnoxious race sounds;
• a remote-controlled monster truck, also with obnoxious sounds;
  
• a complete set of "Home Depot" plastic power tools (interestingly, he received two of the same set... I guess there was a sale at Toys R Us);
• a miniture-size Harley Davidson motorcycle and motorcyclist that operates on an actual foot pump.

Per the recommendation of my sister who said the boys are obsessed with Thomas and Friends, I bought the boys wooden Thomas trains and Thomas toothbrushes and Thomas swimming trunks and pajamas. However, the item that Christopher played with the most is the construction paper I brought along with me:

I taught Christopher how to fly paper airplanes last summer, but we were limited to lifeless notebook paper. So this time I purchased construction paper with cool designs and colors. We already spent two afternoons making and flying airplanes. We even made spaceships by taping two airplanes together and fastening ribbons at the bottom to give an illusion of fire shooting from the engine as it soars through the air. My brother-in-law also joined in on the fun and began folding other types of airplanes. As you can see above, my skills are limited to one style.

Trapped in a Cuckoo Nest aka 4 year old bday party

Everyone knows I adore my nephew. He turned 4 yesterday and today is his big birthday celebration. The theme is Cars from an ostensibly famous Disney movie. I don't know, I haven't seen the movie nor have I read about it in the trades. So I asked my sister (his mother) if kids are going to come dressed as cars. She said no. I thought to myself, what kind of booty theme party is this? Well, actually, I think I said it out loud. Regardless, Christopher and I were excited all day. We love birthdays. I teased him all day that it was really my birthday and my party and my cake and my gifts and my guests. He didn't believe me and responded that the guests are "my people." He also insisted that it's a 4 year old birthday party and surmised that I'm 13. He's a smart kid.

My excitement soon dissipated when the children and parents arrived. The once tranquil suburban San Jose home turned into a 1950's mental institution. I couldn't help but to transfigure myself from a normally outgoing party person into a quiet observer of a scientific social experiment. Let me attempt to explain:

(1) The four-year olds are the schizophrenics. They chase each other around, yell for no reason, and expect others to satiate their demands at once... or they will show you how crazy they really are. They tend to hundle in groups and when they do, they are extremely dangerous.

(2) The two-year olds are the sociopaths. They prefer to play alone and hardly notice each other... until one of them wants the toy of the other and then the blood match is on!! Having no ability to share, they will cry, scream, hit, kick and bite your hand off if you interfere with their primal interests. They look super cute, but I wouldn't trust them.

(3) The parents are the staff. Some are administrators, so they just sit around and complain (likely due to incompetence), and sometimes entertain the patients. These are usually the fathers. The others are the nurses. They feed, clean, and comfort the patients. These are usually the mothers. Both are overworked, understaffed and completely consumed. They often engage in shop talk.

(4) I am the hot Ph.D student who occasionally visits and studies the institution as part of a thesis. Everyone is cordial to the student, but no one can really relate to her. She can't relate to them either. So instead of engaging in trite small talk with the staff, or in a wacky incomprehensible conversation with the patients, she chooses to sit alone with her laptop and pretends to work on her thesis.

Unlike a true mental institution, however, there is no psychiatric medication available at a four-year old birthday party. Curses.

Enjoy the Food, Skip the Rudeness

Markus found this ad in the OC Weekly.
This, among many many reasons, is why Orange County sucks.

Thanks, Mr. M, for finding such seemingly innocuous yet super racially-derogative shit about my people. You're cool like that.

Chinese Chipmunks in Da Club in Alhambra.
Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Me

It was fucken great. We reserved a private room in the back of Sake House and it was on! Good music, great food and fabulous friends! I would share stories of the evening but my memory was violently stripped away from me by alcohol. Yes, alcohol is evil. Real evil.

It was all sweet and innocent at first...

Then five minutes later...

Yup, I'm still standing at the end... sort of...

The Real World, Palm Springs!

This is the true story, of eight strangers, picked to live in a house, work together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens, when people stop being polite, and start getting real.

The Real World -- Palm Springs!

Cast:

Just Kitty
Socialite/Heiress to Pan's Palm Springs Delux Golf Course & Spa

Rick
Porn star and aspiring rap artist

Pearl
Student at UC Palm Springs

Tron
(originally pronounced as "Truong")
Vietnamese Meth Dealer

Madge
Lottery Winner/Retiree from Georgia

Miquel
Pool Guy

Betty
Bar Waitress

Dolores
Landlady

Happy Birthday!

Birthday Bliss

Go Kart World, USA

The Delux Party Room

DYY & Birthday Girl

Joe as "OC Gangsta" -- Carson, California

Lady Pun in Lucky Number Seven

Happy Birthday Kathy!