I was really tempted to get this from Target

Children say the darnest things

I heard some great one-liners this past weekend.

I attempted to engage in a conversation about Barack Obama with my 6 and 4 years old nephews. If Auntie loves Obama, the nephews surely will also.

So I described to them how Sasha and Malia are going to get a new dog when they move to the White House.

Christopher announces, "I want to get a new dog. But we have to wait for these (points to dogs Gabby and Sally) to die first."

Nice. Good to know he's a honest little fucker.

I offered to eat the dogs but the boys then shrieked like little girls. Little tortured girls. It didn't sound good.

Then while we started to over-decorate the tree...


...and were looking for hooks to clip the ornaments...


... Elliot announces, "I NEED A HOOKER!"

Awesome. Good to know he's a degenerate like Auntie.

And finally, Christopher makes a racial remark. It's kind of funny so it's okay. Plus, he's just a child. He doesn't know better.

People from Wasilla scare me

Lady Simzie says she's so over Palin. Like an old, wet newspaper. Not me. I'm still amused.

Palin is a wonderful public servant. In this video, she teaches us not to worry about "heavy-handed politics" and criticism as long as we have fun. Keep it real, sister.

Description and video, courtesy of the Huffington Post:

On Thursday, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin appeared in Wasilla in order to pardon a local turkey in anticipation of Thanksgiving. This proved to be a slightly absurd but ultimately unremarkable event. But what came next was positively surreal. After the pardon Palin proceeded to do an interview with a local TV station while the turkeys were being SLAUGHTERED in the background!! Seemingly oblivious to the gruesomeness going on over her shoulder, she carries on talking for over three minutes. Watch the video below to see for yourself. Be warned, it's kind of gruesome.

A song you can relate to

This sign says it all

Photo by Joe Mak, Chinatown Chicago, October 2007

(in Chi for Betty & Duane's wedding)

Friends for Judas

Do you remember my pal, Judas?

For a long while, his only friends (beside me) were:

Buddha

Ganesh

Lady of Guadalupe

They even dated for a while, but she broke up with him because... well, let's just say, she wasn't quite satisfied...

and last but not least,

Pure White, but his dirty ass moved to NYC.

So Judas' social support network has diminished quite a bit. Fortunately, Wal-Mart has come to the rescue. This month, Wal-Mart stores nationwide will begin carrying faith-based toys from One2believe that target parents who would rather that their kids play with a Samson action figure than a Spider-Man action figure.

Hey, maybe Judas and Jesus can make amends now...

Oooh, perhaps a new girlfriend for the Big J?

Can someone please buy me the Moses doll? It's awesome. By the way, is it me or Moses has crossed eyes? Dude, even better.

Tron emerges from China

Tron provided the group with an update on his adventures in Shanghai. Here is an excerpt, because I think it is funny.

so many stories but one of the gems that harkim took us to was this place called "movie world" where you can get cheap pirated dvd's. but we didn't end up going there, we went to the store across the street called "even better than movie world", because you know.. it's even better! literally across the street from the other place! that's some pure fucking chinese shit man. i mean you know you're in china when people sound like they're totally arguing, but you know they aren't because they're really just having a regular conversation. total switch from japan where it's like pretty quiet everywhere and you can't answer your cell phone on the bus or train.

That is really some pure fucking Chinese shit... I love it!

How to Tell If a Woman Really Loves You

Don't you love it when you search the web for one thing, and then find something else totally weird and random?

HOW TO TELL IF A WOMAN REALLY LOVES YOU

She has eyes only for you. You can tell if your woman really loves you when many hunky and sexy men surround you but she doesn't take a second to even look at any of them. She gives you her full attention by showing eye contact, smiling and facing her body towards you.

She answers your calls. You know if a woman is interested when she answers your calls every time. It is a wonderful sign if she also answers the phone by the second ring. You may find yourself spending hours on the phone talking and giggling with her about life.

She agrees to meet with you every time you ask her out. She wouldn't love you if she didn't want to see you as much as you want to see her.

She wants to go places and do things. She is not ashamed to be out in public with you. She wants to explore the world with you and do fun activities. For example, going to the movies, out to dinner, to a concert or amusement park.

She does things for you. She invests energy in pleasing and making you feels happy. For example, she will bake you cookies, invite you over for dinner or offers to rub your back.

She flirts with you. You can tell if she loves you when she constantly laughs at everything you say, touches you frequently and gives you that special look of love.

She wants to date only you. You know she is serious about you when she has verbally asked if dating each other can be exclusive. You are number one to her and all the other men in the world mean nothing.

She tells you "I love you." You can't get more straightforward than this. When she tells you those three special words she wants to take the relationship a little farther and get more serious.

SORRY, BUT WHOEVER WROTE THIS IS A DOUCHE BAG.

Amen

Make your own church sign!

Weekend story #1

Art near restrooms...

On Friday we met this dude at Mandrake who owns this denim company called UBI Jeans. His name is Ubi in fact and it's short for "ubiquitous" he tells us. As UBI specializes in women's jeans, Ubi says, "My job is to make your ass look good." I say, oh yeah? So you must have names for different categories of asses? He says yes. I turn around and stick my ass out and say, what would you call this ass? Without hesitation, he says JUICY!

Hilarious.

I respond, right on. Then I ask him to label Lady Pun's. He immediately says BA-DONK-KA-DONK!

And for readers unfamiliar with Lady Pun's ass, let's just say, the description is perfect!

Just wanna say wassup

Thanks to Thomas for giving me the giggles on a Friday afternoon...

TGIF

Thanks to Min who forwarded this video that made me say DAMN out loud! I know it's wrong, but I couldn't help it...

Chinese Colonel Sanders

Straight from the Tidbits of VICE Magazine: We like the Chinese version of Colonel Sanders because he doesn’t come across as a kind of racist version of Orville Redenbacher. Not that old Chinese guys can’t be racist. They’re just way cuter about it.

Disturbing or Endearing... you decide!

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," said Keith Richards, the 63 year old Rolling Stones guitarist who was was quoted in comments published by British music magazine NME on Tuesday.

"He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared," he said. "... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

Kikikikiki

Why hate St. Jude?

So my sister-in-law kindly emails me... but with very, very bad news.

Remember that giant mural of St. Jude on 26th St? Someone had the audacity to paint over it!!! That Jesus-like image (non-christian/catholic folks like me called him Jesus) was a pseudo cultural landmark of Bridgeport/Chinatown. It's been there since I was born at least. Paint me shocked. I swore you had a blog entry about it, but couldn't find it. Anyway, what used to be the Hungry Hound is now a Mexican place...they painted the logo over St. Jude. It's hideous. We can't find our digital camera, otherwise you'd get a pic.

What a travesty. It's not like the perpetrators even replaced St. Jude with something better, like this:

Let's all smoke in memory of St. Jude.
May he live in our hearts and minds forever.

Speaking of bong hits 4 Jesus...

I'm reminded of how I promised Blu-tooth that I would blog about WITNESS LEE and WATCHMAN NEE, founders of her church and the "Recovery Movement."

I discovered these two gentlemen are very popular (they're even on WIKI!) as I found many websites devoted to analyzing, critiquing, supporting or debunking their teachings of Christ. In fact, I was not prepared to find so much information. My brain totally shut down (I think it's a defense mechanism actually). Like the dork I am, I had wanted to blog about Witness and Watchman only because I thought their names were funny. But everything about them is quite serious and not funny at all... except hymns homeboys wrote on their own!! I am so pleased to find them. Here's a prized example:

All sinners are the slaves of sin,
All poisoned by death's sting;
Christ only can from sin and death
A full deliverance bring.
He is the Everlasting One,
Who longs to set us free;
If we do not believe in Him,
We'll die in misery.

I would LOVE it if Blu-tooth lulled me to sleep with this hymn. I bet I would sleep like a baby.

While searching in google images...

for a flying bird in the post below, I found this:

Dude, it's soooo cheesy, it's awesome. I want this as a T-shirt. Because all you need is love.

This is why I love the legal profession

or maybe it's the advertising industry that I should love. I can't tell anymore, both seem the same sometimes with their slick and deceptive ways.

Damn, graphic artists are fast