Why I Love Blacks

Dude, I was near USC tonight and saw that Inferno Affairs is playing at the Magic Johnson Theaters for late Friday and Saturday shows. This is why I love black people... because they appreciate Hong Kong gangster movies. And kung fu movies. And shrimp fried rice.

I say this in light of a recent opinion piece written by Kenneth Eng in Asian Week entitled, "Why I Hate Blacks."

It's pretty awful. But I'm more stunned and dismayed that Asian Week, a fairly political and (once) respected Asian American publication in the Bay Area, actually permitted the publication of Eng's piece. Sure, Asian Week issued an apology. But I think it's too late. Asian Week is fucked.

My first heavy metal concert

As a social experiment, I agreed to accompany Pure White to see the following bands:



Can you believe it? It was actually fun. Here are my keen observations:

1) Heavy metal enthusiasts have perfected the head nodding as well as the devil's horn hand sign.

I wish I could easily whip out a devil's horn sign but it's not instinctual for me. I actually have to think about it. And the head nodding... dude, who said white people don't have any rhythm? They do when they jam to heavy metal, that's for sure. But I do worry for their brains... all that nodding, especially the head twirl, cannot be good for the preservation of brain cells. For true enthusiasts, I recommend fish oil pills before attending a concert. Also, ear plugs are key.

2) Speaking of devil's horns, is that why every lead singer sounds like Satan? I'm sure it's no coincidence that Lamb of God sung a song entitled, "Take a Walk with Me in Hell."

3) There were only like ten women in attendence. When Pure White and I arrived at the Wiltern, I was the only person in the women's security line and had to wait for Jeff to be cleared. The lead singer of Machine Head also made a comment about naked heavy metal chicks... all 17 of us. Ironically, despite the lack of female presence, I still had to wait in line at the women's bathroom!

4) Mosh pits are fascinating. There's a certain synchronicity to the hyper-aggressive ritual. At first glance, it seems violent and scary. But after a while, you realize that, what all those stupid boys are doing is simply pushing each other in circles. I now see that moshing is actually a form of dance. In fact, I couldn't stop watching it from above. What's even more intriguing is whenever someone from the audience began to body surf on top of the crowd, the big black body guards in the front row would immediately stop it. Yet they never stopped the moshing. So it made me think that the Wiltern's liability insurance probably doesn't cover negligent falls from body surfing. Injuries from moshing, however, are probably cheaper to insure. God, I get sick when I realize how much I think like a lawyer.

Overall, my first heavy metal concert was enjoyable. I don't know if I would go again, but I'm glad I went. Thanks, Pure White!

Kind of bogus

The Academy yet again for the second year in a row chose the wrong picture for BEST PICTURE. I acknowledge that The Departed is a good film. And, yes, I enjoyed it very much. But is it really Oscar worthy when it's a RE-MAKE of a very well-known Hong Kong movie, INFERNAL AFFAIRS?

To me, The Departed seems less authentic and, therefore, less Oscar worthy. Also, Martin Scorsese pretty much copied the original movie scene for scene. Do you remember the last scene of Leonardo shot dead with the elevator door continuously trying to close but is blocked by Leonardo's feet? In the original, that's Tony Leung dead on the floor with his feet blocking the elevator door.

And yes, in the original, almost everyone dies by the end. I don't understand why everyone was so pleased that everyone dies in The Departed. They're like, wow, that's so original. I'm like, dude, that's how most Hong Kong action movies end. Big fucken deal. You better recognize.

I know what you're thinking... copying a good movie would still make a good movie, right? Perhaps. But Infernal Affairs is better because the directors as well as the actors were able to more accurately capture and convey the deep psyche of Cantonese cops and gangsters-- that (1) we, as complex human beings, are both good and bad at the same time and must struggle with that daily, especially when you're undercover, and (2) don't trust anyone, especially when you're undercover. I think Scorsese tried to convey this but it just wasn't enough. This blogger agrees with me, while this blogger actually gives a detailed side-by-side comparison of both movies.

Although I do not believe that The Departed is Oscar worthy, I think it's cool that Scorsese won. Poor old man, it's about time he wins!*

*Too bad for Peter O'Toole though. He was EXCELLENT in Venus, but I still rooted for Forest Whitaker, who was also EXCELLENT in The Last King of Scotland. It's kind of like how I rooted for Ruben Studdard over Clay Aiken even though both were pretty damn good. That's just the way life goes, I suppose.

It's on!

I don't normally just cut and paste but this one is so good... and by one of my favorite bloggers (a guilty pleasure)... the gossip gangsta himself, PEREZ HILTON:

That little muckraker!

Movie mogul David Geffen has stirred up a whirlwind of trouble in the Democratic party as a result of these comments he made in The New York Times about former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary.

Said Geffen, "Everybody in politics lies, but they [the Clintons] do it with such ease, it's troubling."

He added, "I don't think anybody believes that in the last six years, all of a sudden Bill Clinton has become a different person..

According to Geffen, Bill Clinton is "a reckless guy" who "gave his enemies a lot of ammunition to hurt him and to distract the country."

And as for Hilary? He says, "It's not a very big thing to say, 'I made a mistake' on the war, and typical of Hillary Clinton that she can't. She's so advised by so many smart advisers who are covering every base. I think that America was better served when the candidates were chosen in smoke-filled rooms."

He wasn't done with her yet, though.

More on Hilary!

Says Geffen, "Not since the Vietnam War has there been this level of disappointment in the behavior of America throughout the world, and I don't think that another incredibly polarizing figure, no matter how smart she is and no matter how ambitious she is -- and God knows, is there anybody more ambitious than Hillary Clinton? -- can bring the country together."

Not happy at all, Hilary's spokesperson released a statement criticizing both Geffen and Senator Barak Obama, Clinton's chief campaign rival and the recipient of a lot of money from Dreamworks' David.

Said the statement, "While Sen. Obama was denouncing slash and burn politics yesterday, his campaign's finance chair was viciously and personally attacking Sen. Clinton and her husband. If Sen. Obama is indeed sincere about his repeated claims to change the tone of our politics, he should immediately denounce these remarks, remove Mr. Geffen from his campaign and return his money. While Democrats should engage in a vigorous debate on the issues, there is no place in our party or our politics for the kind of personal insults made by Sen. Obama's principal fundraiser."

Barack, not one to shy away from confrontation, shot back.

Obama countered, "It's not clear to me why I'd be apologizing for someone else's remark. I have said repeatedly I have the utmost respect for Sen. Clinton and have considered her an ally in the Senate and will continue to consider it that way throughout this campaign."

And, making things even nastier, Barack's spokesperson said the following, "We aren't going to get in the middle of a disagreement between the Clintons and someone who was once one of their biggest supporters. It is ironic that the Clintons had no problem with David Geffen when [he] was raising them $18 million and sleeping at their invitation in the Lincoln bedroom. It is also ironic that Sen. Clinton lavished praise on Monday and is fully willing to accept today the support of South Carolina state Sen. Robert Ford, who said if Barack Obama were to win the nomination, he would drag down the rest of the Democratic Party because 'he's black.'"

Oh, shit. It's on!

And, it's only gonna get nastier from here!

Update

Commercial Zap is the bomb. No scrubbing required and the mold disappeared. Poof. Died and shit.

Let's pause for a moment to thank the golden pig for such a blessing.

Year of the Golden Pig -- It's hot pot time!

The MakJueYee House hosted its annual Chinese New Year Hot Pot Extravaganza on Sunday in celebration of the Golden Pig. Unfortunately, due to poor planning, we didn't purchase a roasted piglet like we wanted to. Still, we did have:

The Pig, which we later fried up as bacon for snacking, thx to Chef Inda:


And for the first time ever, our very own FOB sauce table with an incense fruit plate to boot! Don't you love the table cloth? It's perfect for fob-ing it up. What's even more brilliant is that under the table cloth is a mah jong table!


We celebrated with old friends:








And new ones:




And we even hosted children:



And of course we had entertainment:






And the oddities:

WTF?

Umar cooking Chinese food (and it was real good too!)

Me and my neck pillow that I wear around the house,
especially when I'm blogging!

Happy New Year! Oink, bitch.

Year of the Golden Pig -- Hey Mon!

Red, Golden and Green were the colors of the day at Ragga Muffins' Bob Marley Fest in Long Beach on Saturday. An all-day music festival with ten reggae groups, authentic Jamaican food, shopping and herbal therapy. An excellent way to celebrate new years eve. Yeah, Mon!

Since it's the Year of the Golden Pig, it is hardly a coincidence that while listening to NPR this afternoon, I learned that reggae is huge in Beijing now (this was semi-confirmed by DBB who said the music scene in Beijing is hot) and that, like most things, reggae and China go way back.

More importantly, NPR introduced me to Wang Lei, an indie rocker/dub/reggae Guangzhou original. That's right, bitches, this mofo is Cantonese too... and he's excellent. I heard a bit of his reggae on the radio and I was forwarded by the sounds. Check out his website for a sample. If you can read Chinese, you can easily navigate the website. And if so, please send some sounds to me!

Year of the Golden Pig -- The Return of DBB

My dear comrade DBB returned to Los Skandelous from Shanghai last Thursday night. His first request upon arrival was for pho. So here we are at Pho LA in Koreatown.

Gong Hay Fat Choy!!

Happy New Year! It's the Year of the Golden Pig... a supposedly very special year filled with wealth and riches. So you know my people are geeked.

True to its myth, the year of the golden pig has already begun auspiciously. So filled with fun and fortune that I separated the stories from start of the new year in several parts... enjoy!

Oink, bitch.

Killer mold?

IT STARTED with a series of leaks. Within a year, Melinda Ballard's 11,500-square-foot Texas dream home was quarantined; her 3-year-old son, Reese, was on daily medication to treat scarred, asthmatic lungs; her husband, Ron Allison, had lost his memory along with his job; and the family was living out of suitcases and locked in a seemingly endless battle with their insurance company. The problem? Household mold.

So I convinced Lady Pun and Tron that we must clean the house before Chinese new year. For good luck and shit. And, you know, it would be nice to live a clean house for a change. Anyway, we have a really disgusting mold problem in our bathroom. An army of mold covers the shower ceiling and it's steadily proliferating in the corners of the walls. It's really gnarly. But I had no idea how deadly mold can be. I mean, I heard about killer mold but I never thought I would one day be the proprietor of toxic mold and not even realize it. In fact, I always thought it was some sort of strange urban myth... until Blu-tooth forwarded a variety of links about, not only the extermination of mold, but also extremely scary cautionary tales about how mold kills.

Not that I know for certain whether MY mold is deadly. Stachybotrys atra (pronounced Stack-ee-bot-ris) is the most lethal mold apparently. I hope I don't have that.

Per the recommendation of multiple sites about the subject, I'm going to buy either X-14 or Commercial Zap Mildew or Lime Away. All these products are reportedly "not environmental". Suggested eco-friendly product is vinegar mixed with a little bit of baking soda.

But I'm not making a salad.

ABC and proud!

Here's a video of my favorite freestyle rapper, Jin, who is so fucken talented. And he's Cantonese!!

I began to follow his career when he first appeared on BET's 106 & Park. He was a contestant of Free Style Friday and won seven weeks in a row and was inducted in the show's Hall of Fame because no one could beat his chinaman ass. He was unstoppable. That same night, Ruff Ryders signed Jin to their record label. For real, he's really good... especially when his freestyle opponents get racist and talk shit about him being Chinese, he spits back with greater force and wit. He's my idol.

Here's his latest (thanks Tron, for real!)... he raps in Cantonese about the beauty of being American Born Chinese. Represent, bitches!



PS. He's in LA Chinatown!

RIP: Anna Nicole Smith

Some people don't believe this, but I really like Anna Nicole. I was rooting for her from day one. She deserved all the money that her late husband bequeathed to her. The Anna Nicole show was hilarious. The whole Trim Spa thing was fascinating. She loved pills, and I loved how spacey she was on them. She didn't give a fuck. Anna Nicole is a classic superstar. I'm gonna miss her.

Here's a good article in the Houston Chronicle about her. It shares my complete sentiments.

Ride on the Peace Train

Check it. Word up, bitches.

Fuck Colts

Although I did not watch the Superbowl (I didn't even know the time it was on) and went shopping instead with Lady Pun to the Vintage Fashion Expo in Santa Monica (where we each bought beautiful fabulous purses!), I am writing with extreme sadness and regret that Da Beloved Bears had lost. They were a far better team and deserved to win. Not that I really know (or care) but loyalty is a requisite for Chicagoans. So the Colts can go fuck themselves.

Despite our loss, I am still proud of our team and our city. To pay tribute, I present to you fellow Chi-towners Kanye West and Common's Southside Superbowl. I guess no Superbowl Shuffle II this year so this will have to do. SOUTHSIDE!

Dedicated to all you coffee snobs

To all those who have scoffed at my preference for McDonald's coffee, check this:

Consumer Reports magazine said today that in a test conducted at two locations of each emporium, its tasters found McDonald's coffee to be "decent and moderately strong" with "no flaws." On the other hand, the Starbucks brew "was strong, but burnt and bitter enough to make your eyes water instead of open."

The March issue of the magazine, due out Monday, thus advises, "Try McDonald's, which was cheapest and best."

I am NOT promoting McDonalds. It is a disease, just like Starbucks. BUT to those coffee snobs who emphatically believe that Starbucks coffee is the best... Booyah!

Just another manic monday

I was suppose to see this riveting documentary after work. But Tron cancelled on me. For a woman, no less. And no one else seemed interested. I wonder why? For real, why? I think it's a pretty good concept and I'm always interested to see what those wacky Chinese villagers are up to.

So, instead, I ventured to the westside to check out this book reading by Norah Vincent, author of Self-Made Man.

In the book, Norah shares her journey of going undercover as a man for eighteen months. It's kind of like John Howard Griffin's Black Like Me, but unlike Griffin's book which totally confirmed why I hate white people, Norah's book actually exhibits sympathy for men. That's what the audience said anyway. And can I tell you how kooky the audience was! Thank god I had two cocktails at Houstons beforehand, thanks to my buddies Plus, Blu-Tooth and Michael! By the way, why is it so easy to get people to come out for drinks than see a documentary about newly-empowered Chinese villagers with access to modern digital freedom? Fucken drunks.

So back to the audience. Although I was impressed with the diversity of the group, in terms of race, gender and sexual orientation, you could tell most of the folks were academics. And why is it that before an academic asks a question in a public forum, he or she must provide complete disclosure of his/her identity?

I am a middle-class African American lesbian of color born and raised in the melting pot of Los Angeles with an abusive alcoholic father and albino mother and a cat with three legs.

Are you fucken serious? Just ask your stupid question, please. But no.

I was raised as an Orthodox Jew but studied eastern philosophy at a community college and now I perform accupunture on people who are frightened to leave their homes and I find it very rewarding and... oh, I forgot my question.

Then these two ladies get into a heated debate with an obnoxious straight Asian male, a Latino guy, and a gay white man (sounds like I'm starting a joke, huh?) about the differences between hetero-male sexuality and gay-male sexuality. This went on for a while. Poor Norah.

Truth be told, much of it was interesting despite the annoying personalities. Norah made one statement that made me ponder: "The one thing that prevents heterosexual men from freely engaging in polygamous relationships is... the woman." Norah admitted that her statement is an overgeneralization but true in many cases. I've been thinking a lot about monogamy lately and I'm not so sure if it works either, particularly in our day and age when marriage is no longer a necessity of life.

Don't get me wrong. I value partnerships. But why can't you have partnerships with multiple people, especially when it's unlikely that one person will be your everything? Why should you compromise and have less than everything you deserve and desire? Why settle on one person who has only half of everything when two halves make a whole?

You know, four fourths make a whole too.

Gee. Things that make you go hmm.

A little chalk goes a long way

The works of Vija Celmins is showcased at the Armand Hammer Museum between now and April 22, 2007. Her works are mostly graphite (chalk) on acrylic ground on paper and includes exquisite details of her delicate renderings of lunar, ocean, and desert surfaces as well as clouds, galaxies, and nocturnal skies. Her pieces look like black and white photographs. She's that good. It's really amazing live and up-close.

Beware of becoming a garden lady

This morning, Pure White and I volunteered at a community garden at a middle school in the westside. Since I am interested in learning to grow vegetables this year, I thought that volunteering at a community garden would be a nice introduction to gardening in general.

Well, I was wrong. It's kind of like how I thought working as a Project Assistant at a big corporate law firm would be a good introduction to law school. It's not. Fortunately, I only committed to one morning of gardening versus the full year at Jenner & Block where my spirit suffocated.

We were asked to pull weeds. And not the type of weeds I am accustomed to.

It was cool and all but I like the weeds. They are living creatures too and should have an opportunity to survive, just like the rest of the plants. But Pure White said that if we allow the weeds to live, the other plants will die. I suppose so. I'm just not comfortable playing God. So I kept Pure White company while he rigorously weeded an entire section. Check it out:

I was impressed by Pure White's vigor... and a bit fearful too. I had no idea how much he enjoyed rolling around in dirt.

Pure White said pulling weeds reminds him of his childhood when he played with dirt all the time. Now I understand why he often refers to himself as Dirty Jeff. This whole time I thought the moniker was figurative. Again, I stand corrected.

We did agree to Beware of Becoming A Garden Lady if we do decide to continue volunteering or developing our own gardens. Here is a sample conversation I had with the coordinator aka Garden Lady:

GL: Don't you love these plants?

DYY: Yes, I do. Hey, am I pulling the right weeds?

GL: We planted them last year. The leaves are wilting because of the crazy weather, but they are still doing well.

DYY: Uh huh. Hey, where do we throw away these weeds?

GL: If only the school allowed me to do what I want with this space. It wouldn't look like this. (And she walks away talking to herself)

She later returned and asked me to plant these two succulents. Yes! This is what I'm talking about. Giving life, not taking it away!

Sweet, huh? But planting only took two minutes to do. So here I am entertaining myself while I waited for Pure White/Dirty Jeff to complete his labor:

Whatever it is, I suffered emotional distress (and should be made whole)

Readers, I have suffered a great ordeal. This past Tuesday, while eating canned tuna fish, I inadvertently consumed what appeared to be tiny shards of broken glass. Upon inspection of the tuna, I found three more pieces.

By the way, the tuna can originally belonged to Tonkhero. Prior to his extended backpacking trip over the summer, he gave me his leftover canned foods and other provisions. Thanks, Tonk.

Anyway, I totally freaked out because I had ingested what I believed was glass. I asked my co-workers to inspect the pieces and they agreed the pieces were glass. So I frantically called my doctor. He ordered that I go to the emergency room. However, like usual, I sought a second opinion.

I have two doctor friends. I called the first one and got her voicemail. Fuck. I called the second one who is a pediatrician and he assured me that I was fine. He said I'll just poop it out. He's seen worse. I asked, like what. Oh, I've treated kids who have eaten nails, razor blades... and on and on. My chest began to constrict. I interrupted him and asked once more, are you sure my insides aren't going to get cut up? Like my esophagus or my colon? Am I going to die of internal bleeding? He said no... and not to waste my time or money at the ER.

I also found this on the web. So I began to feel better even though my chest felt constricted for the rest of the day. Pure White said the constrictions were anxiety pains. And he should know. But he told me not to worry... because "you're going to be rich!"

The next day, I called Customer Service of a very well-known grocery store that exclusively distributes the tuna. I shall preserve the store's anonymity (for now) while my claim is being processed. Anyway, the representative said I probably swallowed struvites. I was like, what the fuck are struvites? So she put me on hold to retrieve her corporate memo. When she returned, she read aloud all this scientific jargon about canning seafood, and how struvites are minerals that are left over from the canning process. For the most part, 99% of the struvites are removed. Lucky for me, I am the recipient of the 1% of struvites that weren't properly removed.

Again, I needed a second opinion. Thank god for the internet. This is what I learned. But if you are not interested in reading it, struvites are crystallized tuna urine. They are also considered kidney stones. Basically, fish waste. Gee, I feel much better. But, it's unclear. It could be glass... or it could be piss. Who knows? The store offered to conduct an investigation.

Shortly soon after, I drafted and sent a letter to the customer service department and the general counsel of this very well-known store. That same day, Pure White announced our next Dumfries Cup Competition. This is the Dumfries Cup:

My co-workers and I vie for this cup. It proudly sits in the office of the winner for a few weeks. Then the winner has to announce a new competition. We bet on upcoming sport games or award shows or really anything. Once we had to name the Time Person of the Year... this is a story for another time because I was cheated. CHEATED! I will definately share this story in another post, but for now I apologize for digressing. So... Pure White shared my traumatic experience via email with the department and asked, What, if anything, will XXX offer Rebecca as compensation for her ordeal? Closest answer wins the cup.

What do you think?

Here is my letter to assist in your analysis:

Dear Ms. XXX:

On January 23, 2007, I consumed albacore white tuna from the XXX's brand solid white tuna fish in a can (with bar code number 00181990). While eating the tuna, I chewed on something crunchy and swallowed the substance. Upon inspection of the tuna, I discovered shards of glass on top of the tuna pieces. The roof of my mouth also began to bleed.

I am extremely disturbed that glass shards have injured my mouth and are currently in my body. I do not know what the adverse health consequences may be as a result. Because I ate the tuna and swallowed the glass during my lunch hour at the office, my workday was disrupted as I was forced to make phone calls to doctors and emergency rooms. Additionally, I am concerned for my cat who may have also consumed glass as I gave him some of the tainted tuna for his meal. This type of product irregularity is unsafe and unacceptable.

On January 24, 2007, I called Customer Service at XXX's Corporate Office. A representative named Lauren advised me to request an investigation by taking the can and the shards to the nearest XXX's store and completing a product complaint form. Please keep in mind that I have taken photographs of the can and the shards, and also kept one shard in my possession while an investigation is in process.

While we wait for the Quality Assurance Report, I still expect that you will remedy this situation at once. I am very distraught from this experience. Please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,

DYY
Attorney at Law

Cc: XXX, General Counsel

Awright, fools. Pray that I at least get a gift certificate!

PS. Today, one of my co-workers left this on my desk and attached a slender piece of tape coming out from its bottom that spelled S-T-R-U-V-I-T-E.

Hilarious. I love it.
This gesture has helped reduce my pain and suffering... but not entirely.
Money and a gift certificate may help more, I think.

The Last King of Scotland

Of all the significant Oscar-related movies I've seen thus far, this one is the absolute best. It's GOOD. All I need to still see is Letters from Iwo Jima, Blood Diamond, Venus, and Volver, and I'm done. I refuse to see United 93, Pursuit of Happyness, and The Devil Wears Prada because, well, I don't believe in wasting time or money.

Hopefully I will get to see the ones above before the actual Oscars. If so, reviews and predictions forthcoming.

By the way, I am currently obsessed with Idi Amin... just like how I was with Marie Antoinette after watching Sophia Coppola's movie and Florence Ballard after watching Dreamgirls.

Did you know that during his rule, Amin gave himself the title His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshall Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular?

Amin was one bold motherfucker.