It's on!

I don't normally just cut and paste but this one is so good... and by one of my favorite bloggers (a guilty pleasure)... the gossip gangsta himself, PEREZ HILTON:

That little muckraker!

Movie mogul David Geffen has stirred up a whirlwind of trouble in the Democratic party as a result of these comments he made in The New York Times about former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary.

Said Geffen, "Everybody in politics lies, but they [the Clintons] do it with such ease, it's troubling."

He added, "I don't think anybody believes that in the last six years, all of a sudden Bill Clinton has become a different person..

According to Geffen, Bill Clinton is "a reckless guy" who "gave his enemies a lot of ammunition to hurt him and to distract the country."

And as for Hilary? He says, "It's not a very big thing to say, 'I made a mistake' on the war, and typical of Hillary Clinton that she can't. She's so advised by so many smart advisers who are covering every base. I think that America was better served when the candidates were chosen in smoke-filled rooms."

He wasn't done with her yet, though.

More on Hilary!

Says Geffen, "Not since the Vietnam War has there been this level of disappointment in the behavior of America throughout the world, and I don't think that another incredibly polarizing figure, no matter how smart she is and no matter how ambitious she is -- and God knows, is there anybody more ambitious than Hillary Clinton? -- can bring the country together."

Not happy at all, Hilary's spokesperson released a statement criticizing both Geffen and Senator Barak Obama, Clinton's chief campaign rival and the recipient of a lot of money from Dreamworks' David.

Said the statement, "While Sen. Obama was denouncing slash and burn politics yesterday, his campaign's finance chair was viciously and personally attacking Sen. Clinton and her husband. If Sen. Obama is indeed sincere about his repeated claims to change the tone of our politics, he should immediately denounce these remarks, remove Mr. Geffen from his campaign and return his money. While Democrats should engage in a vigorous debate on the issues, there is no place in our party or our politics for the kind of personal insults made by Sen. Obama's principal fundraiser."

Barack, not one to shy away from confrontation, shot back.

Obama countered, "It's not clear to me why I'd be apologizing for someone else's remark. I have said repeatedly I have the utmost respect for Sen. Clinton and have considered her an ally in the Senate and will continue to consider it that way throughout this campaign."

And, making things even nastier, Barack's spokesperson said the following, "We aren't going to get in the middle of a disagreement between the Clintons and someone who was once one of their biggest supporters. It is ironic that the Clintons had no problem with David Geffen when [he] was raising them $18 million and sleeping at their invitation in the Lincoln bedroom. It is also ironic that Sen. Clinton lavished praise on Monday and is fully willing to accept today the support of South Carolina state Sen. Robert Ford, who said if Barack Obama were to win the nomination, he would drag down the rest of the Democratic Party because 'he's black.'"

Oh, shit. It's on!

And, it's only gonna get nastier from here!

Fuck Colts

Although I did not watch the Superbowl (I didn't even know the time it was on) and went shopping instead with Lady Pun to the Vintage Fashion Expo in Santa Monica (where we each bought beautiful fabulous purses!), I am writing with extreme sadness and regret that Da Beloved Bears had lost. They were a far better team and deserved to win. Not that I really know (or care) but loyalty is a requisite for Chicagoans. So the Colts can go fuck themselves.

Despite our loss, I am still proud of our team and our city. To pay tribute, I present to you fellow Chi-towners Kanye West and Common's Southside Superbowl. I guess no Superbowl Shuffle II this year so this will have to do. SOUTHSIDE!

Dedicated to all you coffee snobs

To all those who have scoffed at my preference for McDonald's coffee, check this:

Consumer Reports magazine said today that in a test conducted at two locations of each emporium, its tasters found McDonald's coffee to be "decent and moderately strong" with "no flaws." On the other hand, the Starbucks brew "was strong, but burnt and bitter enough to make your eyes water instead of open."

The March issue of the magazine, due out Monday, thus advises, "Try McDonald's, which was cheapest and best."

I am NOT promoting McDonalds. It is a disease, just like Starbucks. BUT to those coffee snobs who emphatically believe that Starbucks coffee is the best... Booyah!

No offense, but...

Some people are idiots.

So I bought this fabulous shirt last week to add to my great collection of tees. Here is the design:

It's pretty awesome, huh? And it's totally cute on me. I love it. I was SO excited to wear it. But on the day of inauguration, there were quite a few idiots who asked me what it meant. I was like, are you serious? They were like, yeah. I'm like, dude, there's a double meaning. They're like, which meaning are you referring to? I'm like, hello... both. That's what double meaning means. That's what makes this t-shirt so special.

Anyway, I was disappointed at the simpletons' reactions but pleased with the people who understood immediately and promptly furnished compliments. I do it for them, you know.

Here's a picture of me with the t-shirt on. I'm at the Redwood Bar in downtown. The bar is wonderfully pirate-themed. Redwood and my t-shirt made my day.

Me and my bitches.

Happy birthday, ATG!

Victorious

I don't follow football, but Blu-tooth alerted me that my hometown football team totally creamed the New Orleans Saints by 39-14. Damn. Yeah, yeah... I know the New Orleans Saints were the underdogs and everyone besides Chicagoans were rooting for them because of the tragedy the city had experienced, but... you know, cry me a river. Winners win. It's as simple as that. And can I tell you how we are such awesome winners... and perhaps win the Superbowl this year? I still remember our last Superbowl victory in 1985. I was in fifth grade and EVERYONE in Chicago was Bears crazy. Even I was Bears crazy. So crazy that I had a crush on Jim McMahon (eww!) and also memorized the Superbowl Shuffle. I still remember the lyrics to this day. If you give me a quarter, I will rap it to you. If you give me a dollar, I will rap it and do a little dance too.

In honor of today's win, I present the chorus of this masterpiece to you:

We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start no trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Very classy shit.

Boogie down in Brooklyn

Miss Ritu Singha (producer of upcoming movie, TRON -- watch for it) and I went to the Caddyshack in Brooklyn on Friday night. With this description from the Village Voice, we couldn't resist:

Sadly, there are no strip clubs for dykes in the city. If lady lovers wanted to see the gravity-defying acrobatics of pole-dancing, they had to visit a gentlemen's club. That is, until Cattyshack began featuring women working the pole, which is positioned on the bar with a red light for extra effect. Friday night's Cirrah party features the best of the lot. Hostess Aja announces each of the dancers, who saunter their way to the bar in occasionally elaborate, always shimmery ensembles from bikini tops to pasties. These ladies have a way of making you feel like every split and spin is just for you. They climb the metal with an ease that's almost unsettling and with just as much skill as any hair-swinger at the local strip bars for dudes. Just don't forget your singles.

We had a lovely time. Here are some highlights and observations:

(1) No matter what kind of club you are in, or sexual preference you may have, pole dancers are hot. No one can deny this.

(2) Race is deep, man. There is racial segregation in our cities, in our schools, in our workplaces... so why not at the local lesbian bar? The upstairs of the Caddyshack was occupied by all white women while the downstairs had all the women of color. The upstairs played 80s music while the downstairs played hip hop and dance music. Coincidence? I doubt it.

(3) Any bar that has a Ms. Pac Man machine is an excellent venue.

(4) We received major attitude from some of the women (particularly the ones from upstairs, maybe because we crossed racial lines?) for absolutely no reason. For reals, no reason. Hello, Ladies, what happen to sister solidarity? I love you bitches, you don't even know. Haters need to bring back happy in the gay...

(5) Why is it that every time I hang out with Miss Ritu, management tells us to shut up?

And why is it that we never listen and end up mocking them instead?? Ah, good times.

I know, I promised no more Halloween postings...

but I couldn't resist this one. It's so good.

Lady Pun found this picture on a celebrity website. It's Tisha Campbell (from the show, MARTIN) dressed up as Tyra Banks for Heidi Klum's halloween party.

Here's a picture of the real Tyra.

Here's Tisha looking like Tyra. Hilarious!

Nicole looks so healthy

NOT!

I can't mention Paris without mentioning her once side-kick, ex-best friend now arch nemesis Nicole Ritchie. DYY plays fair.

For once, let's hear the voice of a male's perspective:

Anorexia? More like anorsexya. Am I right, folks? Huh? Am I right? Because if there's anything guys enjoy doing it's having sex with corpses. Or eating piles of feces. Or sticking their penises in blenders.

This dude is funny.

Paris Hilton has the best style

NOT!

You got to give her credit, though, for trying to disguise her pajamas with a big red belt.

The Underbite

When world powers meet

"Hey, nice suit."
"Xie Xie. It's Armani, but made in China."

Maybe we'll have social security after all

Mike Walls never envisioned his golden years as a fight with drug addiction when a friend gave him a plastic bag of crystal-like powder and a promise of youth nearly two decades ago.

At 55, with rotten teeth, frayed nerves and high blood pressure — all brought on by meth — Walls has become part of a growing number of baby boomers struggling with addiction to the stimulant and seeking help after living with it through middle age.

Hey Grandpa, weren't you part of the Reagan era? Haven't you heard? Say No to Drugs, Bitch. That shit will fry your brains. Save it for the young... we still have plenty of brain cells to fry. Stick with BINGO.

Awesome... but how much?

The RI-MAN is a seeing, hearing and smelling robot that can carry human beings and is aimed at helping care for the country's growing number of elderly.

This is great and all, but as you can see in the post below, human labor is probably cheaper. Not that you could hire a doula to care for the elderly, but you could easily find a Chinese lady who would cook, clean and provide medical care for your aging and debilitating loved one in exchange for a few dollars and unlimited access to Chinese soap operas.

Addendum to Previous Post

The internet world is in a frenzy over Pumpkin spitting on New York. Here's a comment from Ashlee... I like how she writes.

I think that NewYork is a crazy psycho bitch. Yeah pumpkin was wrong for spittin' in her face but a real bitch like me would've beat that bitch ass for spittin in my face. Spittin' is the worse thing you can do to somebody and that was just over board. That's basically saying that the person just disgust you. I wouldn't care about gettin' kicked off tha show because that was just disrespectful. Pumpkin was a lame for spittin' and runnin too. Ain't none of them bitches bout that real shit so I don't give props to nan one of them. They whack. I just put it like this you ain't considered a bad bitch unless you handle yo business!!! It don't matter what color you are cause if you just bout it then you bout whateva. Flav need to choose hoopz cause she a real ass female and she don't act all sidity and shit. Yeah she is a pretty woman and all but she ain't full of herself like NewYork and she just a cool person.

This is a true correspondence

Dear Librarian:

I did not request for this book/audio (the bible) to be held for me. I get my bibles free from motels.

Is someone using my identity to borrow books? Or is this a covert plan of action to indoctrinate lost souls and introduce God to heathens like me? Is the "religious right" a part of this? Please advise, thank you.

Ms. Yee

Los Angeles Public Library wrote:

******* HOLD NOTIFICATION ********

The following item(s) you requested are
being held for you at:

Los Angeles Public Library
Fairfax Branch
161 S. Gardner St.
Los Angeles, CA 90036
323-936-6191 *
*
Bible. *
NIV audio Bible New Interna *
*
The item will be held until: 03/13/06

A bit too much sex, drugs and rock & roll?

Eddie Van Halen at some post-Oscars event

Dude, I know it's difficult to fight osteoporosis, skin damage and senility, but there should be no excuse for your teeth. Eww.

Why so ghetto?

Angry families stormed fences at Hong Kong Disneyland and tossed their children over gates Thursday after the theme park sold out for an eighth consecutive day.

My people are so cool. Fuck waiting when you can toss your kid over the fence... and get in free! That's the Canto way.

Parents: Don't forget to give your kids the pre-packed lunches you intended to sneak in... and I know you made them.

Friends sent me another funny forward today, also quite ghetto:Joe accurately assessed that part of the sign was cut off:
"... who are Chinese anyway."
SNAP!... that's the funniest thing Joe Mak has ever said!

US/Mexico relations at risk

Homeland Security discovered a tunnel dug under the U.S.-Mexico border in San Diego that contained more than two tons of marijuana.

A Mexican federal policeman stands next to packages of drugs that had been removed from a sophisticated clandestine tunnel.

I'm telling ya, those Abu Ghraib masks are becoming an international trend. Runway models will soon wear them in Paris and Milan. Jay-Z will begin manufacturing them under his Rocawear clothing line while little children in China make masses of them for 15 cents an hour.
Now that's hot.

Ode to the Golden Globes

Here is my tribute to the Golden Globes, even though I didn't see it and never watch this crap, unless it's the Grammy's or MTV Music Awards.
Scarlett Johansson didn't even win a globe, but that didn't stop you pervs from circulating her pictures over 500 times via the world wide web. Perhaps because she came with her own globes??
(I'm just talking shit. Scarlett is beautiful and did a phenomenal job playing a sexy American mistress of the protagonist in Match Point. You should see this movie if you haven't. It's a disturbing story by one of my favorites, Woody Allen... and Scarlett is HOT in it.)

You go, boy!

And finally, to commemorate Memoirs of a Geisha... which I haven't seen and do not plan to see. Not even on video. I would like to support the Asian performers, especially the talented and lovely Zhang Ziyi and Gong Li, but I can't. The story is so gross... why would I want to see some white man's racist and misogynist fantasy on the big screen? It's the same shit. I propose that Hollywood produces a fantasy of mine -- a gorgeous white man with lots of money falls madly in love with me while I continuously ignore him. He finally decides he cannot live without my love and kills himself, bequeathing all his riches and wealth to me. I squander the money on designer clothes and accessories, drugs and mah jong. When the money is all gone, I marry the local baker Mr. Wong's son and live happily ever after, with nary a thought of him.

Oh, and here's a friendly public service announcement: Japanese women cannot physically have blue eyes. It's just not possible.



But here's a geisha I would be down with... our local hero, Bobby Lee.
Check out his hilarious skit.

Tackled Terminator

Our governor fell off his motorcycle. That's his boo boo.

Perhaps this could have been prevented if he kept his hummer...

Pat Robertson would say the Terminator's accident was caused by Schwarzenegger's rejection of his hummer, thereby reducing the consumption of gas and killing fewer Iraqis in God's sacred land.