How to Grow Your Own Food

So I have a personalized google page at work where I added a wikiHow section. I haven't found too many of the listed topics that interesting, except how to talk to your cat (which apparently, according to the list, I already know how to do) and today's HOW TO GROW YOUR OWN FOOD.

I can't wait for the opportunity to grow hemp and poppy! And perhaps squash or some shit.

Friends for Judas

Do you remember my pal, Judas?

For a long while, his only friends (beside me) were:

Buddha

Ganesh

Lady of Guadalupe

They even dated for a while, but she broke up with him because... well, let's just say, she wasn't quite satisfied...

and last but not least,

Pure White, but his dirty ass moved to NYC.

So Judas' social support network has diminished quite a bit. Fortunately, Wal-Mart has come to the rescue. This month, Wal-Mart stores nationwide will begin carrying faith-based toys from One2believe that target parents who would rather that their kids play with a Samson action figure than a Spider-Man action figure.

Hey, maybe Judas and Jesus can make amends now...

Oooh, perhaps a new girlfriend for the Big J?

Can someone please buy me the Moses doll? It's awesome. By the way, is it me or Moses has crossed eyes? Dude, even better.

Special Celebrity Sighting

I come back from lunch and guess who I see in front of my office building?

That's right... it's fucken Borat, bitches! Thank god I had my camera with me as I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Sasha Baron Cohen and should have asked to take a picture with him but he was surrounded by his crew... and I was timid around his majestic presence.

Here's a picture of Borat's ass... I like!

Chinese Colonel Sanders

Straight from the Tidbits of VICE Magazine: We like the Chinese version of Colonel Sanders because he doesn’t come across as a kind of racist version of Orville Redenbacher. Not that old Chinese guys can’t be racist. They’re just way cuter about it.

Find it at a market near you?

The latest controversial, ultra-caffeinated sensation drink on the market, Cocaine (yes, it’s really called that) is being marketed as a “legal alternative” to the drug for which is it named and is said to give a “high” within five minutes. Makes Red Bull look not so bad, eh?

Dead Boy promised to get me this

A foldable bike! How fucken cool is this? I would look so fresh riding one of these. And it's like less than $100! That's why you gotta love merchandise from China. So good yet so cheap!

I won!

Can you believe this sweet lady is mine? I won her from my bid on Ebay with the help of my sister, who is a mother of two toddlers and, consequently, a skilled Ebay user. Or shall I say Ebay winner? Because that's what I am, bitches. I beat fellow Ebay user, ValleyOfTheDolls.

I spotted this poster when I went to the Rose Bowl Flea Market this past Sunday. The bohemian guy selling it wanted $30 for it. I said $10. He said no. I walked away... but with much regret.

Then I thought, wait a minute... I live in the 21st century! I don't have to buy merchandise from this stupid hippie. I can buy it from the internet!

This Nagel's going to hang in my office. It will be perfect. I will be adored by co-workers. I can't wait.

The official inaugural ceremony will be held in October.

You know, back in the late 80s, I remember thinking Patrick Nagel's work was so cheesy. I speculate my unappreciation stemmed from simple oversaturation. It seemed like every teenager and mother in Chinatown had a print in their room.

Today, I embrace Nagel's work and take delight in his images. All the women in his pictures have suddenly become fresh in a postmodern way. Maybe that's why I like Nagel now. It's amazing how your perspective changes within the context of your most current existence.

Damn, I'm deep. Do you think I sound like a philosopher? Maybe I should consider that for my next career change...

I suspect my cat was a Chinese nationalist in another life

A post-modern dragon lady

Cool shirt

*Mirror not included.

Evolution is so cool

A team of American-led divers has discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific that resembles a lobster and is covered with what looks like silky blond fur. The eyeless shellfish, about 15cm long, is named 'Kiwi hirsuta'.

Pay up, Bitches!

Fed up with burger wrappers, french fry containers and paper cups, Oakland is the first city in the nation to force fast-food restaurants, convenience stores and other businesses to help pay for cleaning up street trash.

Oakland, you may be ghetto, but you're a ghetto superstar in my book!

A middle finger to Gonzales

Members of the audience, some wearing black hoods, stand up and turn their backs on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, rear center, as he speaks at Georgetown University Law School Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2006. Answering the Bush administration's critics, Gonzales said Tuesday that warrantless surveillance is critical to prevent another terrorist attack within the United States.

The Abu Ghraib outfits are so good. They should be the anti-torture demonstration uniforms for 2006. Such a Fashion Do... especially if you're trying to fuck with Gonzales!

Clowner or Krumper?

Photo of and by David LaChapelle

This photo captures "a truly postmodern experience" -- KJ

Kathy Jue and I attended a free SAG screening and Q&A of David LaChapelle's documentary, RIZE. As I type, I am still digesting this movie. What can I say? If I were one of those people who bought and collected DVDs, I would own this film.

RIZE is a spectacular documentary about a new dance form that began in South Central, LA called Clowning, as it was the brainchild of Tommy the Clown who started clown dancing as a way to entertain at birthday parties. He later enlisted youth from the neighborhood to join him, dubbing themselves as Hip Hop Clowns as they wore clown make-up and performed at parties. The dance latered evolved into Stripper Dancing and then into the more well-known Krumping. The moves are incredible.

"Krumping is when you're dancing and your body is doing a lot of different moves," Tommy explained. "It's really like you're fighting on the dance floor. It's more of an intensity. It can be fast-paced, it can be a lot of moves that are really sharp."

What I found most antropologically interesting was when the film juxtaposed several scenes of krumping and tribal African dancing. Although the kids claim they have never seen images of tribal dancing before, the similarities are astonishing.

The scenes were so vibrant and full of spirit, and the youth were so inspiring and amazing. There are about 50 different competing clown groups, including an Asian group called Rice Tracks. Of course if I clowned, I would be part of Rice Tracks and choose Stripper Dancing and call myself Yo Yo Yee. I think I could be pretty good too.

What really made the night was meeting David LaChapelle. I have always enjoyed his photos, but I never knew how down-to-earth he is. Considering his celebrity status, I assumed he was a dick. I also felt dubious about his intentions for making the film. I am so wrong, and now feel shame for ever thinking that way. He was so kind to the audience and answered questions with thought, honesty and humility. He spoke about his childhood, struggling as an artist in NYC, his need to be creative, his love for photography and his latest interest in filmmaking. I intend to support his art from now on. He's wonderful.