It's Chuck E Cheese, Bitch

Wicked picture, huh?

For my nephew's birthday, I treated him to an afternoon of Chuck E. Cheese.

Dude, I haven't been to a Chuck E Cheese in 20 years. I forgot how much fun it is. There is definitely something more appealing about hanging with white trash and immigrant kids than going to the some expensive children's museum that serves organic peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and soy milk for $20. The parents and children are grossly smug. Like you want to slap them in the face. But at ChuckECheese, it's very humble, affordable and fun... and I'm like the richest person there! I felt like we had limitless tokens, a sense of comfort and satisfaction that I have never felt before. I grew up frequenting CEC with about $3 max. It was always spent very quickly.

For lunch we purchased a small cheese pizza, an all-you-can-eat salad plate, milk and beer. I was the only one at ChuckECheese consuming beer, by the way. Before I purchased it, I had to agree to all these stringent rules, like not leave my beer on the table, take it everywhere with you, do not feed to children, etc. So when my nephew needed to do number 2 in bathroom, I brought the beer into stall, as I am a law-abiding citizen. It wasn't the best combination with bud light, but better than without!

After lunch, we played ski ball. I love that shit. In fact, we struck jackpot! The aisle I was playing on starting spewing tickets continuously and non-stop. I thought it was going to go on forever and I debated whether I should walk away... but I couldn't. I started looking around hoping no one was watching me. Everyone, however, was staring with envious eyes. I collected about 150 tickets before it finally stopped. We ran to our booth and counted the tickets immediately. My nephew and I counted together. When we reached past 100 or so, I felt giddy and light-headed.

We won 354 tickets total. We exchanged our tickets for a top, a mini soccer ball and a ring. Yeah, I know. It seems like a lot of effort for some cheap mini plastic toys. They're probably toxic too.

Here's a question: Why do parents allow their children to steal tickets? As my tickets spewed out of that defective but lovely machine and coiled along the ground, toddlers would come from no where and try to steal my tickets! I'm like, hey, those are mine! Then they look at me with fear and run away. Parents stand by silent. I'm like, dude, you need to control your kids. They should thank me for teaching their fucken children for thieves not to disobey the law.

Here's another question: Do you think parents realize that ChuckE is a rat? And his friends are street animals, including a cracked-out bird and a dingy mutt, both likely infested with rabies? I felt like, dude, whoever thought of this theme is laughing his/her way to the bank!

Other games we played: air hockey and fuze ball with hockey players (is that table hockey then?). My nephew was addicted and couldn't stop playing. I was surprised and secretly delighted how naturally adept he was with such games. I kind of feel like air hockey and fuze ball are for older kids, not for my five year old nephew. But he obviously is far more superior in adoitness than other children his age and beyond. I'm not sure why, but I like it.